


(Will I ever be) Enough

by idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec (GoodFinderBadger)



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Dom/sub, Good Parent Owen Strand, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light BDSM, M/M, Panic Attacks, Protective Carlos Reyes, Separation Anxiety, Subdrop, TK has some issues, Top Carlos, but he has a lot of love, severe attachment issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:27:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 43,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28229109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodFinderBadger/pseuds/idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec
Summary: TK has had problems since the day the towers fell.  He has never been a normal kid and now as an adult he wasn't a normal young man.  Escaping to Austin doesn't mean he can outrun his problems and it isn't long before his dad has to start bringing in the team to help manage his disorder.  He is convinced that after Alex he is doomed to have nobody love him again, but  Carlos Reyes is determined to not only prove him wrong, but to show him he might have never been loved in the first place.An alternate version of the show we love with TK suffering from extreme separation anxiety when it comes to his dad
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Judd Ryder & Owen Strand, Judd Ryder & TK Strand, Owen Strand & TK Strand, TK Strand & Paul Strickland
Comments: 70
Kudos: 294
Collections: 9-1-1 Lone Star ▶ Carlos Reyes / Tyler Kennedy "TK" Strand





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a project I've been working on for months. I have honestly had this idea in my head forever and writing this is fun. This is my bullshit fic that I'm writing for me but then decided that maybe some people would like it too. I'm not claiming this to be good quality, but I hope it's entertaining and cute and stuff. I used to post content much more often and now I don't anymore and if I stop I might lose all confidence to post ever again. Hope you guys like this scenario born in my head late at night. 
> 
> Note this is my first time writing any kind of dom/sub material but I love it and I don't mean to make anything offensive. 
> 
> Please be kind.

TK sat slumped outside of his father’s office biting his thumb nail and hoping he wouldn’t get caught. His father probably knew he was here because he always seemed to know where TK was at any given time, but if he did he hoped he wouldn’t let on that fact to the other occupant of his office. He shouldn’t be eavesdropping on a private conversation between a fire captain and a member of his team, but given that the conversation was about him TK didn’t feel all that bad. 

“What do you think of TK?” His father started out the conversation and TK felt his anxiety spike up at even the thought of his Texan coworker having to answer that question. He hadn’t had time to make much of an impression on the older man. They had only been working together about three weeks and none of them had bonded much yet. TK liked the team well enough. They all seemed like open minded people that he could get along with in no time. They had picked Judd for this conversation because he was the oldest member of the team and already seemed like the type of guy to adopt younger siblings around him. He had seen his fair share in the job and TK seemed to think he would handle this conversation the best out of the team thus far. 

“I feel like that’s a trick question, Cap,” Judd answered lowly with a short chuckle. “I mean, what do you expect me to say about your son to your face?”

“I’m well aware my son has flaws, Mr. Ryder, “ Owen answered calmly and TK could picture his easy smile that no doubt came with his words. “I just want to know your first impressions over the last few weeks. He’s never going to hear about this conversation I promise you.” Either that was a lie or somehow his dad really had no idea he was out here. 

“He’s a good firefighter,” Judd said after a few moments of pause. “He’s a bit reckless sometimes, but he has good instincts. He’s kind to everyone even if he is a bit out of his element in Austin. I think he needs to gain a little confidence in those skills. He’s always looking to you before he does the simplest things, which might be just how you ran things back in New York. I’m used to my captain giving us a bit more freedom.” TK flushed at the quick observation and wondered if he really was that transparent. At least Judd had said he was good at his job because honestly TK felt his dad was more than a little biased when it came to that. He always doubted himself when it came to his job even though time and time again he was proven wrong when he saved someone from the flames of certain death. 

“He does need to gain confidence, I agree.” His father said and TK hugged his knees closer to his chest. He needed to improve in a lot of ways and even though he tried he felt like he failed more often than not. “He has talent though and he goes above and beyond for his team and for the community he serves.” His father paused and TK wondered if he was really going to jump right into it just like that. He isn’t sure what kind of lead he expected, but it was more than just a simple introductory question. He had no idea how he would have started such a conversation. 

“I’m sure you’ve noticed TK and I are close?”

“You have a good relationship with him,” Judd agreed slowly and TK was sure Judd must be confused as hell why he had been called into his captain’s office early in the morning to talk about a fellow coworker. It was most unusual and probably not all together appropriate but they needed someone to be aware of the situation besides the two of them and they had agreed Judd was the best choice. He could only hope Judd would still think he was competent enough to do his job after he knew everything. 

“I need your help with TK and I’ll admit the situation is a little unconventional,” His father’s voice had lowered to a comforting level and TK tried to let the sound soothe his mounting anxiety. He liked Judd a lot and if the man wanted to avoid him after this he wouldn’t blame him, but he would be monumentally disappointed. 

“Is he alright?” Judd asked instantly and the concern TK could hear made him hopeful that at least Judd genuinely cared. 

“He’s fine, or as fine as he always is,” His father laughed a little and TK rolled his eyes as his thumb nail returned to his mouth to be bitten anxiously. “I was working in New York when the towers fell, as I mentioned to you before. TK was only nine when that happened and it was as life changing for him as it was for me. He had always been attached to my hip when he was growing up. He always wanted me to hold him or play with him whenever I was home more than anyone else. He loved to visit my firehouse when he was young and slide down the pole and all that. We were inseparable his entire life so when he saw the towers fall on TV and knew I was there he was understandably terrified.”

“Poor kid must have thought you weren’t coming home,” Judd murmured in agreement. TK fought to keep his mind on the present instead of flashing back to that morning that he would never forget. He had stayed home from school that day and he remembered watching the action on the TV with his mother and even though he could barely tell time he knew there was such a real possibility that his dad wouldn’t be coming home again. 

“I had been in tight situations before that day of course with the nature of my job. TK had seen me in the hospital a time or two before that and while he hadn’t liked it he handled things well enough. After 9/11 TK changed into a different kid and I was honestly too wrapped up in losing my house to notice. He cried a lot more when I wasn’t home and he insisted on calling me more than once when I was on shift at night. He never left my side when I did come home even if I didn’t want to play or do much of anything. I’m not proud of the hole I let myself fall into after that day and I know my family suffered because of it. TK stopped wanting to do any activities outside of school and he would come home straight away to wait for me to get home. He watched the news obsessively and my wife was incredibly concerned as well as blamed me. She is a lawyer and hardly had the time to give our son who wanted and needed our attention more than ever.”

“Then she left,” Judd filled in hollowly and TK could picture his mom packing her bags and piling her things by the front door while he had been watching the news for any sign of a fire. He remembered the last time she had hugged him in his childhood home and walked out the door without looking back. It hadn’t hit him until his father had cursed loudly when he had come home later that night that his mother had left for good. He would have cherished that hug a lot more if he would have realized just what was happening that Friday night all those years ago. 

“She did,” His father confirmed quietly. “She left and never bothered to call her son for months after that. She chased her career as fast as she could and I was left with my son who needed me more than I would ever realize. I was still trying to rebuild my firehouse from the ground up and I worked many more hours than I normally would have. This was when I realized there was a serious problem going on. The problems my wife had noticed about TK only got worse after she left. He would cry every single time I left for work like he had when he was young. I mean sobbing desperately for me not to go and it broke my heart each and every time I had to tear his grip off my arm and leave him.”

“That makes sense after the year he had,” Judd said and TK really hoped that there wasn't pity in his voice. He didn’t know when his love for his dad had turned into an unhealthy attachment. He knew he hadn’t acted normal with his dad since the day the towers fell. He had become reclusive and only thought about whether or not his dad was okay and if he was going to come home. He used to watch the clock obsessively at night for years, counting down to when his dad was off shift. 

“I should have gotten him help or taken some time off to spend with him,” His father’s voice was always filled with regret when he spoke of the years that followed and TK wished he would forgive himself. He was only doing his job for men who depended on him and it wasn’t his father’s fault something had gone wrong in his son’s brain. He may not have understood growing up, but he more than understood now. “I assumed TK would grow out of it and I guess he somewhat did after a few years. The crying got better when I had to leave, but he wouldn’t eat if I was at work and he would always be awake and waiting for me no matter what time I got off shift. He hardly made any friends in elementary or junior high since he never wanted to go out and do anything in case he missed news about me. He slept in my bed every single night until I eventually remarried.”

“Did that help things?” Judd asked and TK wondered what he was thinking about his background. He probably didn’t think too much of a kid obsessed with his dad’s safety at a highly dangerous job, but what would he think when he knew nothing had changed since? It was seventeen years later and TK was no less attached to his dad than he was as a kid. The longest he had ever been away from his dad was twenty-four hours for a shift, but not a minute more. He used to beg to stay home from school whenever his dad had a day off form work and since his dad felt guilty it worked more than it should have. 

“Yes and no,” Owen sighed softly. “He did sleep in his own bed obviously so that was an improvement. He loved Lauren after some time and it was good to see him have a kind of mother again. TK internalized a lot of the anxiety he would feel when I was at work instead of letting it show. He could read the news on his phone instead of being hooked to the TV. He still didn’t eat when I wasn’t around and Lauren did her best but he said he ate with friends a lot. A text would do instead of a phone call so I could reassure him a lot more often and chat with him through my shift. That helped him be able to make some friends in high school and get out of the house more. The only times I thought something was truly wrong was if I was late coming home from a shift and all hell would break loose. TK would call me repeatedly and nothing could calm him down. He was always mortified afterward, but he would cry a lot if I wasn’t home on time.”

“So, it hasn’t gotten better,” Judd had caught on to the theme of this conversation and TK buried his face in his knees as he felt his cheeks heat up. He tried to resist the urge to dig his fingernails into his skin to relieve the anxiety he was feeling and as well as punishing himself for being so weak and pathetic. He knew this story of course, but hearing it out loud made him hate himself just a little bit more. He had caused so much trouble for his father over the years with his obsessive behaviors and attachment issues. 

“Lauren left us after TK graduated from high school when he came out,” Owen continued his story and TK knew this meeting was almost over and he hoped Judd wouldn’t hate him. “She caught him in bed with a guy and when I defended my son she left us. She couldn't accept TK so I told her to get out. That… That did a number on him. Having another parent figure leave was a lot for him to handle even if he wouldn’t outright admit it. By this time he realized just how unusual he was and he started to hate himself for it. He turned to drinking a lot to deal with it all. He decided to go to fire academy instead of college. I know it’s because he wanted to be closer to me and I was going to pull him but then he absolutely shone when he was there and he had more talent than anyone in his class. He loved it more than he had loved anything before so I had to let him see it through. I took him into my firehouse when he graduated.” Owen sighed again. “I had hoped that maybe once he was on the job he might be able to understand a little more what I did and he would come to accept the risks we both loved to take. I made the mistake of hiding the extent of our relationship from the rest of our team and that backfired when a building collapsed with me inside.”

“Oh God,” Judd muttered.

“TK was a probie back then and he absolutely lost it when that building came down. It was like he was a little kid all over again instead of the strong young man he really was. He had a panic attack the likes of which I had never seen from him except for rare occasions in the past. By the time I made it out of that house TK was huddled on the ground shaking and sobbing and screaming for me. I hated that I hadn’t told anyone beforehand so nobody was there to help him through it. TK was stuck being so embarrassed alone and I couldn’t help since I was being checked over by the paramedic team. After that day I knew someone else had to know about all of this. TK is perfectly capable of doing his job beautifully and I trust him explicitly. I don’t usually try to put myself in harm’s way unless I can’t help it and if TK is there with me he does okay. If something happens to me or TK gets overwhelmed when I’m doing my job I need someone to be there for him. He can’t help how he reacts and he’s getting help but at this point I don’t know if the way he feels is ever going to go away. He doesn’t usually lose it like that and he hasn't’ in a long time.” Another bold lie, but then again the last time TK had lost control it hadn’t been about his dad at all. It had only been after Alex left him, the only other person TK had let himself get attached to. He had hoped a boyfriend was more healthy to cling to rather than his dad, but he had been wrong in so many ways. All he had done in the end was drive Alex into the arms of another man with his clingy nature and attachment problems. He knew logically that everyone in his life wasn’t going to leave just because his mother and step-mother did, but his heart didn’t know that so well and he just didn’t want to be hurt like that again. 

“What can I do? I’m the only one that knows?” Judd didn’t seem to sound too disgusted by the entire story. 

“For now I am only telling you about TK, but he will decide if the rest of the team finds out. I just want you to be there for him if I can’t be. I know you already see him like a little brother, so I hoped that asking you to look out for him wouldn’t be a big change. He gets anxious if I’m away or if I’m in the middle of saving someone on a call. He just needs a little comfort and reassurance from someone. He has an anxiety disorder anyways and when it comes to me it’s worse. Just learn what he likes over time. He calms down best with physical touch in any form.”

“Does TK know that I know all of this?” Judd’s voice was quiet and contemplative and TK was trying not to let his mind tell him Judd was weirded out. 

“He does know. We agreed you would be the best one to tell out of the team. TK likes you a lot and trusts you.” TK felt his face heat up again and doesn’t remember agreeing to that being told. 

“I’ll do whatever I can for him. I… I’m touched you would trust me with all of this. TK has been through a hell of a lot. You can count on me Cap, I promise.” The scraping of a chair told TK that the meeting was over and he needed to move if he didn’t want Judd knowing he had overheard every word of their conversation. He went downstairs to make both him and his dad a cup of coffee before heading back upstairs to his dad's office. He slipped inside and closed the door, grateful that at least this office wasn’t entirely glass. 

“So, you told him,” TK said in a small voice as he put the mug on his father’s desk and sipped his own slowly. 

“I know you were listening,” His father ignored the coffee in favor of getting up and pulling TK into his arms. TK buried his nose in his father’s shoulder and felt the wave of calm that he always did when he was in his father’s arms. “I told you it would be fine. Judd seemed concerned more than anything else. It’s better that someone knows TK.”

“I know. I just… I hate that you have to tell someone what a freak I am,” TK mumbled into his shirt and knew he would have to let go in a moment. Owen’s hand came to stroke the back of his head as he made a noise of disagreement. 

“None of that, okay? You aren’t a freak and you know that. You can’t help the way your mind reacts to things. It’s a disorder that you didn’t do anything to cause. Nobody is going to think any less of you for something you can’t control.”

“I…” TK knew he was arguing a losing battle and his dad would never admit he didn’t want a son that clung to him like a three year old would. “Well, I’m glad that’s over.”

“Michelle texted that tonight she’s taking us all out to some bar for some dancing. You coming?” His dad asked and TK wanted to roll his eyes and make some sarcastic comment about how he didn’t have much of a choice unless he wanted to be riddled with anxiety all night long being away from his dad. 

“Yeah I’ll be there to watch you think you can dance.” TK mocked as he made himself sit in the chair across from his dad instead of in his lap like he wanted to. Setting boundaries at work was hard for him to remember, but he was careful not to cross that line if he can help it. 

“I’ve been to a few country bars in my time,” His dad picked up his mug of coffee and glared at him over the rim. “I can dance a line dance no problem.”

“You going to try and sleep with Michelle?” TK had to ask since he had seen how they had been trading glances over the last few weeks. It was obvious his dad was at least a little bit interested in the paramedic captain. She was pretty and had a quick mouth which both of them liked in a partner. 

“Please,” Owen rolled his eyes and waved a hand like the notion was completely ridiculous. “I’m going home with you and you alone tonight. MIchelle isn’t interested in that.”

“You are,” TK pointed out with a raised eyebrow. “She’s your type.”

“I don’t have a type,” Owen wrinkled his nose as he took another long drink from the mug. TK knew his father didn’t date because of him a lot of the time. TK hated when he had people over and he had to sleep alone. He could, but he never slept peacefully and he always woke up to nightmares. He woke up to them most of the time anyways, but dealing with them alone was infinitely worse. 

“You’re allowed to bring women home,” TK forced himself to say even if the selfish kid in him wanted to insist his dad never date again. He knew that was impractical and selfish of him to even wish for. 

“Son, I know that.” His father’s voice had dropped low and comforting as if he knew TK’s thoughts were turning back to self deprecating. “It’s totally okay that you don’t want me to. It’s normal. I don’t have good luck with relationships.”

“I better go clean the rig,” TK had to get out of there before they had to talk about this anymore. He had to distract himself before the monster in his brain roared too loudly and he did something reckless or stupid to make his dad worry. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

He slipped out of the office before his dad could say anything more. 

~~~~

TK felt out of his element now that he was in civilian clothes with his team. In the uniform he could at least pretend to be strong and in control, but he knew that out of the uniform he was nobody. His job was the only way he had worth to anyone and it was only a matter of time before the team figured that out. Nobody would want him outside of the uniform. He certainly didn’t want anything to do with himself outside of it. 

He hung to the back of the group and realized his time of avoiding Judd was over. He had to face the older man now that they were about to all be at a table together. He’d been avoiding Judd on calls all day long because he didn’t know if he wanted Judd to say anything or not. How did they not talk about what Judd had learned about him? Then again how did they even hope to start a conversation about that? Judd knew one of his deepest secrets now and TK had no idea how to act around him. 

“Judd, can we talk?” TK let the words tumble out before he talked himself out of it. He had to at least break the ice away from the team and he had to find out what Judd thought of him now. His brain was only telling him relentlessly that Judd wanted nothing to do with him now and would treat him like a child from now until the end of time. His father shot him a look before he followed Paul inside the bar. Judd stopped and stepped to the side of the building. TK followed him with his hands shaking and unsure of what he’s so scared of. The worst that happened was that Judd tolerated him at work and they wouldn’t be friends. He would make sure that if something were to happen to his dad he wouldn’t go off the deep end, Judd was staring at him expectantly and TK reflexively looked around for his dad even though he knew he was inside with the rest of the team having a good time. He hated that his instinct whenever he felt anxious or nervous was to look for his dad like a little kid. It was immature and stupid and he really wished he could grow up already and that Judd didn’t need to know any of this. “So, you, um, know things.”

“That you’re more of a daddy’s boy than I first thought?” Juddd snarked back and TK wanted to die on the spot. Maybe Judd wasn’t the right choice after all and he was about to get nothing but shit from the older man about the thing he hated most about himself. He felt his eyes burn in humiliation and he couldn’t cry in front of the other man if it was the last thing he did. The thing was he never was able to hold back tears his entire life and the fear about this conversation bubbled over to hot tears falling over his cheeks. He felt his cheeks heat up as he brought a hand up to hastily wipe away the few tears that had fallen, hoping they were the last. “Oh kid, no, it was a bad joke.”

“I-” TK was at a loss for words and he wasn’t sure what to believe anymore with his anxiety screaming him loud enough to deafen him to anything else. His instincts screamed that he wanted his dad to make the bad feelings go away and he glanced again at the closed door to the bar. 

“I’m sorry,” Judd’s voice had turned soft as he took a step closer, the crunch of gravel sounding so loud in the surrounding silence. Gentle fingers came under his chin to steer his gaze to meet Judd’s kind eyes. “I was just making a bad joke. It was stupid of me. TK, I would never think less of you for something that happened to you as a kid. It’s not some kind of crime to need your dad around.”

“Is that all you think this is?” TK asked incredulously, wondering if Judd had even listened to half of the story given earlier that morning. “Judd, he didn’t tell you that just to tell a story about poor TK’s sad childhood. It’s a problem more than I want to admit. I can’t control my emotions when it comes to him, at all. It’s like a fucking dog and his owner being seperated and the dog goes absolutely batshit tearing shit up.”

“How far does this thing go between the two of you?” Judd was focused on him completely now even if he had dropped his hand back to his side. TK shifted his weight a few times and hated that he wanted to be in there only because his dad was in there instead of out here. He felt the pull grating at him. 

“It’s bad,” TK sighed and ran a hand through his hair to try and ground himself. “I’m anxious all the time if I’m not with him. I glance around for him constantly even when I know where he is in the room. It got better when Al-” He cut himself off as it seemed like a physical pain went through him before he could get out his ex’s name. “I can be away from him, obviously. I’m kind of a mess but I can do it. I had it under control for a little bit back in New York, but before we moved here a lot happened and now it feels like I’m back to being a kid again. I’m on all kinds of anxiety meds, but I can’t take them on shift because they make me out of it. He told you because I need someone else in the firehouse I can rely on and someone who knows why I’m wired all the time. I… It’s what I hate most about myself. The way I need constant reassurance from him or from someone else. I have no confidence left, at all. I don’t feel like I’m twenty-six anymore. I’ve always had a hard time, but it’s just gotten worse and I-”

“Okay, okay,” Judd interrupted him and TK blushed when he realized he had been rambling. He was about to open his mouth to apologize when he felt strong arms around him pulling him into a stronger chest. It only took a moment for him to sink into the embrace and he hadn’t felt this safe in someone else’s arms for a while. “I”ve got you, alright? Your dad may have asked me, but he never had to. I’ve got your back in and out of the firehouse. We’re brothers and family looks out for each other.”

“Thanks,” TK said softly as he tried not to snuggle into the warm embrace since no doubt Judd would find that weird. He let go when Judd did and took a few steps back with a small smile. He didn’t want anyone to know, but if someone did at least it was Judd Ryder who seemed unfazed by his crazy. “Let’s go join everyone else, yeah?”

“They’ll make the wrong assumptions if we don’t,” Judd agreed with a squeeze to his shoulder as he led the way inside. The crowd was a rush of noise and movement which made TK instinctively take a step back as a humming feeling started under his skin. A warm hand on his back was there instantly steering him through the crowd to the back table where his crew sat around with drinks and laughter. His dad sat a bit away from everyone else and TK wasted no time to sit next to him. His dad immediately put an arm around his shoulders to pull him close while calling for mineral water for him and TK didn’t hesitate to rest his head on his dad’s shoulder.

“That wasn’t so bad, huh?” His dad asked softly as he rubbed his arm gently. 

“It was okay,” TK mumbled and wished they could just go home. He was exhausted after a long day around people and he wanted to be alone with his dad and taken care of in a way he couldn’t be in front of other people. He was under no disillusionment that his dad babied him far more than he should, but he loved it. “Judd was the right choice.”

“Good,” The water was set down in front of him and TK took a long sip trying to relax as best he could in a crowded place. 

“You want to dance Captain Strand?” Michelle had found them on their own and TK irrationally wanted to push her away from them so he could have his father’s undivided attention after twenty-four hours of sharing him. 

“Oh, you don’t want to see me dance,” His father said with a charming grin and TK knew he would go dance with her. He shifted away from him sadly and tried to at least keep his face neutral.

“Oh come on Captain, it’ll be fun,” Michelle cajoled with a smile of her own and holding out a pale hand for him to take. 

“If you insist I guess I can be convinced. I’ll be right there.” Their gazes held for another long moment before Michelle turned to slip into the crowd. TK fixed his gaze on the glass of water in front of him firmly and avoided looking over at his dad. He didn’t want to be left alone at a bar, but he couldn’t very well deny his dad a little fun. He spent enough time taking care of him and he deserved to have some fun of his own. 

“I’ll be fine,” TK said before his dad could say anything. If his voice didn’t come out quite as strong as he would have liked he had tried his best.

“I’ll be right over there,” Owen’s voice was soft as he brought a hand up to the back of his neck to squeeze gently. “I won’t be gone long. You’ll be able to see me the entire time, okay?”

“I know,” TK’s voice got smaller as he gripped the glass between fingers quickly going numb. 

“See you soon, baby,” Owen kissed the top of his head before heading off to the dance floor. TK drummed his fingers on top of the bar as he watched his dad grin at Michelle and show off some of his moves as lame as they might be. He figured he might as well get a better view if he wasn’t up to socializing with the rest of the team. He leaned against a pillar to watch the dance floor carefully and it was enough to satiate the anxiety monster within him. He found himself laughing a little as he watched his team also get on the floor and start having fun. 

“Hey,” A voice came from next to him and TK looked over to see Officer Reyes standing next to him looking even more gorgeous out of uniform than he did in it. TK had noticed him on calls and had felt his stomach erupt into butterflies more than once. 

“Hey,” TK answered as he felt his cheeks turning pink under Carlos’s deep chocolate gaze. He hadn’t let himself think about the rippling muscles on those tan arms. 

“Want to dance?” The question took TK by surprise. He was so used to doing the pursuing and the chasing and the asking. He had never before been sought out and asked by another man to do anything. 

“Yeah,” TK said with a smile and he felt a hand on the small of his back to lead him through the people gathered on the edge of the dance floor. The heat and warmth he felt seemed to be felt throughout his entire body from just one simple touch. TK felt a sense of calm he hadn’t felt since the night he had been abandoned at a restaurant by Alex as he looked into Carlos’s dark eyes and took in his sweet smile. He only glanced at his dad once during the three songs he danced with Carlos which was a new kind of record for him. 

“It sure got hot in here,” Carlos said as the music faded and he wiped an arm through the perspiration that had gathered on his forehead. His curls were getting loose and flopped on his forehead and TK thought it was the most adorable sight he had ever seen. “I need to get some air.”

“Oh okay,” TK was disappointed Carlos was leaving, but he knew he couldn’t keep the other man the rest of the night. He was lucky Carlos had bothered to ask him to dance in the first place. “Thanks for dancing with me.”

“You want to join me?” Carlos had a small smile on his face as he held out a hand with the side door open behind him. TK glanced toward his dad, who was still having fun with Michelle and the rest of the team, before looking back at Carlos’s outstretched hand. After Alex he had sworn no more relationships for a good long time, but then here was fate tempting him with a man like Carlos with eyes that seemed to be trustworthy instantly. He could tell Carlos waos a top from the moment they stepped onto the dance floor. The simple hand on his back guiding him through people and the way Carlos instantly took the lead during every song. His smile made TK weak in the knees without trying. All of this meant that Carlos was trouble in the best way. 

“Sure,” TK said quietly as he took the offered hand, nearly melting at the warmth that encompassed his hand. He shouldn’t trust Carlos this easily, not yet. They had hardly said two words to one another tonight and yet TK was eager to follow Carlos out to the back of the bar that had some picnic tables set up and nobody else could see them. 

“So, are you tolerating being away from New York?” Carlos asked him as they settled down on top of one of the tables with their feet resting on the bench. They were sitting close enough for their knees to brush and TK couldn’t help the butterflies that erupted in his stomach every time it happened. 

“My dad’s here so it’s tolerable,” TK replied before his anxiety kicked into high drive. Was that too obvious? Who said shit like that? Did he always have to wear his attachment issues on his damn sleeve? He had a shot to have one normal conversation and-

“Home is where family is,” Carlos simply agreed with him and TK forced himself to calm down a little and stop thinking he would always inevitably mess everything up. “I’ve seen you and your dad out on a few calls now. You two are pretty impressive with your work.”

TK felt his face flush pink as he looked down to his knees. He wasn’t used to being complimented on his work. Alex had never mentioned it and the rest of the firehouse only sneered at him for being the captain’s son most of the time. His dad would compliment him now and again on complicated calls, but then again he couldn’t be seen to be playing favorites. “Thank you. We once rescued a window washer from the 44th floor of the Chrysler building!” 

“Yeah? Sounds thrilling, but I hate heights,” Carlos was smiling at him with warmth in his eyes and it had been too long since anyone but his dad had looked at him with that level of fondness. He was sure Alex had when they had been first dating, but he couldn’t try to think of it unless he wanted to remember what came after. The disaster he had been left in. The desperation after Alex left him and the way TK had barely felt whole since. 

“You’re gorgeous Carlos,” TK whispered in the quiet air as the silence grew between them. It was all he could think to say when the thought looped through his head on repeat. 

“You’re not too bad yourself,” Carlos said with a small wink and it made TK blush again as a giggle escaped him. “You’re also a good dancer. You catch on quickly for a city boy.”

“Line dancing has never been my thing,” TK admitted as he felt a pinky brush the side of his hand. He looked down to see their hands millimeters apart on the picnic table and Carlos was carefully brushing the side of his hand with his pinky finger. “I was much more into the club scene back home if I ever did go out.”

“I would pay to see you in some tight jeans dancing dirty,” Carlos blurted out with a smirk. “I might have to take you out sometime.”

TK was left speechless. Carlos was planning to see him again? He wanted to take him out further than a meet up at this country bar? No, no way, TK couldn’t let himself get involved again. He was too much to handle and he was left alone to drown in self loathing afterward. He had problems that extended past his dad in certain cases. He couldn’t attach himself to another person to be left. He couldn’t handle the pain of that again. “Carlos, I-”

He was cut off by a pair of lips colliding with his. 

Any protests TK was trying to put up vanished as soon as he felt Carlos’s pink lips brushing against his. Every coherent thought immediately vanished as he gasped in surprise before pressing back slowly. Carlos tasted of beer with an undercurrent of something sweeter that hit his tongue when Carlos gently slid his tongue in his mouth. He was so gentle with his kiss and TK couldn’t help the soft moan that rose in the back of his throat as Carlos’s hand came up to cup his neck. Carlos’s thumb rubbed against his jaw gently as they continued to kiss slowly with TK being careful to keep his hands to himself even though he longed to run his hands over the muscled chest he had been staring at throughout the night. 

“Let’s go somewhere more private, huh?” Carlos murmured against his lips as he pulled TK to his feet and led him around to the side of the bar where nobody else could see them. TK shouldn’t let himself get caught up in any of this. He shouldn’t let Carlos kiss him senseless like this when they barely knew each other. It would be too easy to fall for a man like Carlos with his magnificent body, kind eyes, and the air of dominance that always made TK weak in the knees. 

He shouldn’t, but he was helpless as he looked into those eyes before he was pressed against the wall. 

Carlos dove back in with enthusiasm as he kept a hand on the back of TK’s neck while the other was on his hip. TK was lost to the sensation of their tongues tangling together as well as their hips brushing together just enough to tease. He arched his hips forward and moaned again as he felt Carlos hard against him. Whatever kind of reaction he was experiencing, it would seem Carlos was going through something similar. Carlos let him take a breath of air as his lips trailed over his jaw and down to his neck. His teeth grazed the skin there making TK start panting shamelessly as more blood rushed further south. The hand on his waist had trailed lower to reach around and cup his ass through his jeans and massage it. It was blissful to have his mind shut off this way and to have nothing more matter than the lips on his skin. 

“You’re so quiet,” Carlos said huskily before biting down on his neck only to soothe the sting with his tongue a moment later. TK’s head fell back against the wall but his mind couldn’t string enough words together to come up with a comeback and he let his hand finally make contact with the broad chest that was pressed against him. 

“I”m sorry,” TK gasped out as soon as he’d realized what he’d done. He knew better than to touch without permission. He was to keep his hands to himself unless told otherwise. He was to stay still and keep his mouth shut while his body was used to pleasure a partner. He could only touch when he was good and had earned it. Carlos hadn’t said he could touch and TK hadn’t listened. “I d-didn’t mean to-”

“You’re okay,” Carlos’s voice was deeper with lust as he pulled away far enough so their eyes could meet. He brought a hand up to brush down his cheek softly. “TK, you can touch me. Please fucking touch me.”

“Really?” TK’s voice was quiet and timid as he was still unsure if he was allowed to be so needy. He wanted to touch that beautiful caramel skin more than anything else, but he was so used to Alex and the strict rules he had for being intimate. 

“Of course,” Carlos looked a bit confused, but instead of asking he simply took one of TK’s smaller hands in his to rest it on his stomach under his loose green shirt. After a moment TK didn’t need any further encouragement to let his other hand join the first and start feeling anywhere he could reach. His fingers brushed a nipple that immediately pebbled under his touch causing Carlos to curse softly before bringing their mouths together once again. The hand on his neck was now tangled in his hair and TK was more than happy to let Carlos control their kiss. His other hand had slipped under TK’s shirt to find skin as well and if they weren’t in such a public place TK probably wouldn’t have his shirt on much longer. By now Carlos was rocking against him earnestly and moaning into TK’s ear sensually indicating they both needed release desperately. 

Carlos pulled away just when TK thought he would combust with desire. He had a filthy smirk on his swollen lips as he dropped down to his knees. TK frowned in confusion as he wondered what the hell the other man was doing on his knees. Carlos’s hands went to the button of his pants and shock washed over him as he realized the position Carlos was in and just what he was intending to do. 

“I- TK, is this okay?” Carlos must have seen something on his face since he stopped with TK’s zipper between his fingers and gaze turned up to meet his. “If you don’t want to go this far that’s totally okay. We can stop right now.”

“No don’t stop,” TK knew he didn’t want their time together to end like this, but he was still baffled why Carlos would want to be the one going down on him? Did he pick up on all the wrong signals that the other man was a top? “I just- Nobody has ever-”

“Nobody’s ever gone down on you?” Carlos’s tone was laced with shock and TK could only shrug as his face was on fire and he didn’t know what to say. Alex would never dream of it and that was the only guy TK had gone so far with. “Oh, sweetheart, you’re going to really enjoy this.”

The pet name made something warm blossom in his chest as Carlos unzipped his pants and pushed them down along with his boxers so his hard cock sprang free. TK hissed at the cold air but Carlos’s palm covered him in seconds, stroking firmly enough that TK felt his head fall back against the wall again. At the first swipe of Carlos’s tongue on the head of his cock TK could have sworn his brain completely short-circuited. He had never felt anything like that, the warm wetness making shivers run through his body. He was doing his best to stay quiet like a good bottom was supposed to, but seriously how could he hope to do that when he felt this amazing? He bit his lip to muffle a moan as his hips jerked instinctively. Carlos smirked at him again as he placed both of his large hands on his hips to keep him still as he took him in his mouth. TK was panting heavily, unable to do anything but enjoy the pleasure Carlos was giving him. 

It didn’t take long before the pleasure was too much to handle. He had never felt pleasure this intense while trying to follow all the rules. He was doing alright staying quiet but he desperately wanted to cum. Carlos’s head was bobbing over his length and the other man was even moaning now and again around him as though doing such a thing was giving him as much pleasure as TK was experiencing. He was still being held in place by Carlos’s large, warm hands and his hands had tangled in those black curls with the other man’s encouragement. TK tried to hold back the whine that built up in his throat, but failed horribly as the pleasure built and he needed release. Carlos’s eyes snapped up at the desperate sound he made and in an instant he was on his feet cradling TK with his body while his hand pumped him between them. 

“You like that? Did I make you feel good?” Carlos said into his ear. TK could only whine again as all his thoughts were on his cock and how badly he needed to cum. He had never been this hard in his life and he really wanted Carlos’s mouth on him again even though he wasn’t sure how much more he could take. “You wanna cum for me? Cover my hand with your cum?”

“Please,” TK begged wantonly around what was nearly a sob. “Wanna cum so bad.”

“Cum for me,” Carlos said firmly and that was all it took for TK to see white as he emptied himself all over Carloss hand as he moaned loudly which was muffled into Carlos’s neck. He shook for a minute or so afterward due to the cold air and the best orgasm he’d ever had in his life. He liked sex, but it had never been like that. Carlos held him close while he rode out the aftershocks while stroking his hair and kissing his temple softly. 

“You okay?” Carlos asked after a few long moments of silence. Slowly the music and the chatter filtered in from the bar behind them and TK was infinitely glad the music was loud enough to cover up their activities. He really didn’t want Carlos to leave, but he knew he had clung on long enough so he forced himself to let go of Carlos’s shoulders and pull up his pants, wincing at the wet feeling. This was it then. Carlos was about to head home and that would be just a good time between them. TK didn’t want to be attached to someone again so soon, but then again he honestly had no idea how to make something like this casual. Carlos was only the second man he had been with so intimately and he knew he had no right to get emotional about it. Carlos had given him an out, very clearly and kindly too. TK had agreed to let it go this far so he had to deal with however he felt afterward. 

“That was… incredible,” TK admitted as he looked down at his feet. He didn’t know what to say now. He should have just stayed inside with his dad. When he left his dad bad things happened. TK learned this lesson over and over but still he always ventured out and got himself hurt. “Are you going?”

“I do have an early shift tomorrow,” Carlos shifted on his feet and looked as unsure as he felt. “This was pretty incredible I’ll agree.”

“I guess I’ll see you around and stuff,” TK rubbed the back of his neck and tried not to think about the grip Carlos had had on it only minutes ago. 

“Take my number,” Carlos reached a hand out for his phone. “You should text me.”

“I.. Yeah alright,” TK agreed even though he shouldn't be getting involved as he reminded himself for the hundredth time tonight. It might be nice to have a friend outside the firehouse though. Maybe Carlos wouldn’t need to know how messed up he was and he could seem normal to one person in Austin. Carlos put his number in and slowly handed the phone back, letting his fingers linger against TK’s. He kissed TK’s cheek gently before heading across the small parking lot to a blue Camaro. TK offered a small wave as he noticed Carlos look back at him for a moment before pulling out onto the road. 

He slipped back into the bar and immediately missed Carlos’s hand on his back as he tried to navigate through an even bigger crowd than had been around earlier. He was relieved to see his dad back at a table with the team instead of out on the dance floor. He felt shaken in a way he couldn’t explain from the encounter with Carlos. He had enjoyed himself, probably more than he should have. Carlos had been wonderful, sexy, and most of all kind. He was most definitely a dominant top, but a kind one to a fault. He had taken care of TK even though he had no obligation to do so. Being in his arms had felt right in a way he hadn’t expected to feel again after Alex left. 

“Hi,” TK said quietly to his dad as he sidled up to him and longed to go home.

“Where have you been?” His dad asked him, startled to see him so suddenly. “I was starting to worry.”

“Out back,” This was the wrong thing to say as concern really did cloud his father’s features and TK knew exactly what that concern was about. He had gotten into some not so great things when Alex had been with him, like drugs and alcohol, so after Alex had announced he had found someone else TK had overdosed on pills in his apartment he had shared with his ex-boyfriend. He hadn’t wanted to live without Alex. His codependent behavior had expanded to include Alex over time and his reaction had been disastrous when he’d been left at the restaurant alone. 

“You ready to go home, kiddo?” His dad asked quietly, probably reading him as easily as he usually did. 

“Please,” TK rested his head on his dad’s shoulder as he quietly pleaded for them to leave. He barely heard his dad saying goodbye to the team and he echoed the goodbye as an afterthought before the two of them were in the car on the way home. 

In no time they were safely at home and TK didn’t need to act like he didn’t want to curl up in his dad’s arms and hide away from the rest of the world. Carlos had left him feeling vulnerable in a way he couldn’t describe and right now he just needed his dad to hold him. He had bolted into the shower first and now he was waiting in bed for his dad to be done with his nightly shower and skin routine. He had shared a bed with his dad since the night he came home from the hospital. He really should go back to trying to wean himself out of the habit, but tonight was not a night he wanted to sleep alone. 

“TK,” His dad was in the doorway to the bathroom with his arms crossed and a displeased look on his face. TK felt his breathing start to quicken and his mind start to race on what he had done wrong. Was he not allowed to sleep here? Did his dad want his own space tonight? Had he done something wrong at the bar? Had he acted too clingy in front of the team? Was his dad finally sick of him acting like a little kid when he was a grown man?

“Can I sleep with you?” TK asked meekly, unsure of what else to ask. The look on his dad’s face made him unbelievably nervous and he dreaded the day he would be forced to stop acting on his compulsive need to have his dad close. 

“You don’t have to ask, baby,” His dad’s arms immediately dropped to his sides and he moved toward the bed. He sat by TK’s hip and raised a hand to cup his cheek. TK closed his eyes and didn’t hesitate to nuzzle his hand, eager for the physical comfort. “I do need you to take the drug test in the bathroom.”

“What?” TK pulled away in surprise and wondered what he had done to warrant a random drug screening. It was certainly a condition he had agreed to when they moved here and he told his dad he wanted to stay sober from any and all substances. “Why?”

“You disappeared to the back of a bar for half an hour,” His dad raised an eyebrow at him and TK felt himself turning red yet again as he remembered just what he had really been doing. “What am I supposed to think? You agreed to random tests whenever I deemed it necessary. If you weren’t doing anything then it won’t be a big deal.”

TK wanted to fight it, but then again he couldn’t tell his dad what he had really been doing. Carlos was a coworker to both of them and TK could guess he didn’t want the fire captain knowing his private business. Plus he couldn’t discuss his hook up in an alley with his dad. They were open, but he knew his dad wouldn’t approve. Not so soon after an overdose, not so soon after Alex, and not so soon when TK still needed to get a lot of his shit together. He had no business getting involved with anyone, but Carlos was a once in a lifetime kind of guy. Guys like him didn’t just come around each and every day. 

At least he could be positive he would pass the test.

He climbed out of bed without saying another word and went to do as his father asked of him even if he was a little humiliated to do so. He hated that his dad couldn’t trust him anymore and that this was what he had come to. It was better than confessing his addiction to the firehouse and losing his job, but it still sucked to never be trusted again. Maybe one day they would get to a place where his dad wouldn’t question him when he disappeared without reason, but it would be a good long time before they could get there. He left the cup sealed in the biohazard bag when he was finished and shuffled back into his dad’s bedroom. He paused before climbing back into the bed where his dad was leaning against the headboard and looking at his phone. 

“I didn’t take anything,” TK told him as he hugged himself next to the bed. “I swear I didn’t, Dad. I’m completely sober.”

“It’s just a precaution,” His dad said softly as he set his phone aside and looked at him with care and concern. “What did you get into tonight?”

TK bit his lip and shook his head, not wanting to answer. “I don’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t drugs.”

“Okay okay, come get in bed.” His dad patted the bed next to him and that was all the invitation he needed to clamber under the covers and snuggle against his dad’s side with a long sigh of relief. He loved his job, but the days were always long and exhausting when he had to put up a front for so long. He laid his head on his dad’s chest and focused on breathing slowly and evenly like he had to every single night. Sleep didn’t come easily and when it did come it was rare to be uninterrupted. He felt his dad’s hand stroking his hair gently and a pair of lips press against his forehead. “I love you, baby.”

“I love you,” TK answered softly and let himself relax into sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2021 everyone and i hope its a year full of productive writing!! Now, I don't write smut. I really really don't but this fic just screamed at me that it wanted details so I found myself writing a spicy hot sex scene. Things get emotional and smutty and yummy. I'm not super well versed in dom/sub things but I have read many many fics with it so this is my first time trying to write that dynamic in a relationship so I hope it's decent enough. Be gentle with comments, yeah?
> 
> Also I'm aware that TK is OOC in this chapter at parts. I'm writing him very very different from cannon so I know he isn't the guy we know and love on screen necessarily. He has a disorder and that's the short end of it. He doesn't act his age a lot of the time when it comes to his dad or he gets very overwhelmed. 
> 
> Yet he is still plenty smart and capable most of the time. 
> 
> Hope you guys like this chapter and are ready for more to come!! I actually have another chapter pre written and I was going to post this sooner but I wanted to give myself time to get ahead maybe? 
> 
> Thanks to all who read and comment! Happy Reading :)

TK found the courage to send a text after taking a shower the next morning. 

It wasn’t revolutionary. It was a simple message saying good morning and a quip about being sore from dancing last night. He had no idea what he wanted from Carlos, or what he should want. HIs heart still felt like it was being torn out whenever he thought about Alex, but he couldn’t deny the butterflies he felt thinking about the way Carlos looked at him. How could he miss Alex and yet be so captured by Carlos at the same time? 

He resisted the urge to check his phone every ten seconds thanks to his need to be at his dad’s side as much as possible. His dad would not approve of him moving on so fast given everything that happened and the worst part was that he would be right. TK had no business trying to get involved in a relationship right now, but could he handle hooking up with the hottest officer in Austin? It didn’t have to be anything committed or serious. He could just have some fun and let off some tension with someone who was kind and considerate of his needs. 

The shift went by as any other shift did, and TK was grateful he was falling into a routine again that he could like and sink into. The team was fun to be around and things never stayed too serious with them around. They joked around while chores were being done and TK was kept away from the kitchen when meals were cooked but he was always allowed to taste test. Judd didn’t treat him any differently after the events of the day before and TK found himself finally feeling like maybe this would all work out. He had liked his last team enough, but they hadn’t been half as intimate as the small group they had here in Austin. In New York the team had been larger and had seemed to constantly rotate with people constantly switching shifts or switching houses. There had always been some kind of drama or scandal going on between the team and TK found it all exhausting and made his anxiety rise. This small team had bonded quickly and smoothly to the point where they already felt like a family. 

It was all okay until lunch time when Carlos walked into the firehouse. 

TK had had hope for a split second that he had come here to surprise him with lunch or to take him out, but when Carlos barely glanced over him before making a beeline for the ambulance bay that hope was lost quickly. It seemed like he was friends with Michelle Blake and TK was really starting to hate that woman for the influence she had over the men in his life. Their arms were linked as Carlos led her out to the Camaro and TK glanced at his phone to see that his text had gone unanswered. His mind whirled with thoughts of rejection and he felt like some kind of stupid whore to think his hook up last night would text him back. Those dark eyes had seemed so trustworthy and kind last night under the lights of the bar. Carlos had seemed to care about him to some degree as he took his time to ask for consent and make him feel amazing. It would be just his luck that a guy like Carlos was in it for nothing more than sex. He didn’t do casual all that well. 

The afternoon stretched on and his dad had a meeting to go to with the fire captains from the other houses. He had these meetings once or twice a week and TK hated them each and every time. Sometimes he could make it through with work distracting him to fill the time, but most of the time it didn’t take long for the anxiety to claw at him that couldn’t be helped by anything other than his dad’s arms around him. He worried about stupid things like car accidents happening as his dad drove to or from these meetings. He worried about building collapses or mass shootings, or any other random thing that could happen while they were apart. His job gave his imagination plenty of fuel with the number of calls they went on where random and unexpected tragedy fell on the best of people. 

They had only had one minor call all day and the longer TK glanced at his dad’s empty office the more the itch under his skin wouldn’t go away. He decided to go to the bunk room for a little while to distract himself before his team noticed something was wrong. He felt he had done pretty well hiding his feelings so far today, but he needed some time alone if he was going to keep up the act. HIs dad was due back within the hour by now and he could hold out that long without having some kind of breakdown. He laid on his bed and wished he could hope to take a nap to pass the time. He never was able to sleep if his dad wasn’t nearby. His phone was woefully silent without a text from his dad or from Carlos and he was trying not to let it bother him. He was just about to put his phone on the charger and try to shut his eyes when it vibrated in his hand to let him know Alex had posted a new post to his Instagram. 

His heart stopped for a moment simply seeing his name again.

TK knew better than to get on social media where his ex was involved. He knew it was only going to lead to heartache, but maybe Alex had realized he had made a mistake when he left him. Maybe he was as miserable as TK was without him. He missed Alex terribly, and he couldn’t resist knowing what was going on in his life even if it was only through pictures. He pressed on the notification and nearly instantly a picture popped up of Alex grinning wider than TK could ever remember seeing him do so when they were together with his arms around who must be the man he had fallen in love with to replace him. If today hadn’t been full of disappointment enough this pounded yet another nail into his heart and he forgot how to breathe momentarily as he looked at the picture of what seemed to be a perfect couple. There was a labrador next to them which confused TK since Alex had never let him get a dog when they were together. They were in some kind of park together and the sun was starting to set behind them. TK tore his eyes away from the image only to land on the caption below that announced their one year anniversary. That couldn’t be right though… TK had only left New York a month ago and asked Alex to marry him a month before that. That would mean he had been with this guy MItchell for ten months before TK had finally asked Alex to marry him and prompted the truth from his boyfriend. He had cheated on TK for nearly a year and hadn’t been about to even tell him if it hadn’t been for the ring. 

He had never had his eyes fill with tears so quickly as he stared at the stupid picture on his phone. It felt like his heart was breaking all over again and he sat up on the bed thinking of where he could find his dad right now. Then the horrible realization set in that his dad wasn’t here and he was alone. The thought sent a shiver of terror through him and his heart began to race against his rib cage painfully. He sucked in a breath and hated the way it felt like he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. The picture was burned into his mind as if it was taped over his eyes and blocking out anything else he could focus on to combat his oncoming panic. 

“TK?” Judd poked his head into the bunk room and TK wanted to be able to give him a grin and say he was okay no matter how bald faced of a lie it was. His dad had only left two hours ago and that really wasn’t the reason TK was holding back sobs right now. He wanted his dad, he always did, but right now all he could think about was just how long ten months was. How many memories would be tainted with the bitter truth that Alex had been with someone else. Every I love you now meant absolutely nothing when those words had meant heart and soul to TK. Alex was the first man he had said those words to. He never let himself get close to anyone until he had started dating Alex three years ago. He knew Alex got annoyed frequently over how clingy he could be and his odd relationship with his dad was hard to deal with. His emotions were unstable to put it lightly and TK knew he was a lot to handle. He had thought he had found someone that would love him in spite of his flaws only to find out all of it was a lie. “Bud, you okay?”

Oh yeah, and now Judd was here to witness this particular breakdown.

“I’m okay,” TK knew it sounded as false as it felt but he had never mastered masking his emotions the way his mom always did. No matter how many times she had told him to suck it up and stop crying as a kid he never quite managed. He had let her down more times than he was comfortable admitting and now she was gone. Just like Alex, only he was gone long before TK could even realize. 

“You wanna try that again?” Judd asked him softly as he took slow steps toward him. TK could hear the soft thud of his boots and curled up with his knees pressed against his chest and his forehead resting on top. He was trying not to let sobs rise until Judd was gone but having someone here made him feel safe enough to let go. Judd might judge him, but then again that’s what he was here for. He was here when his dad couldn’t be. He was a big brother type and even if TK desperately didn’t want to trust anyone ever again after his trust had been so woefully broken he couldn’t spend his life alone either. He had tried that more years than he can admit and it never worked. 

“It’s just an Instagram post,” TK said shakily as he glanced toward his phone where the screen was now innocently black and sat harmless. 

“Instagram is the app with all the pictures right?” Judd asked as he squatted in front of him so that they were eye level. TK wanted to laugh at the fact that Judd barely even knew basic social media apps, but his heart shattering wouldn’t let him. Suddenly his mind latched onto the last Christmas he had spent with Alex. It had been a horrible blizzard in New York that year so after facetiming their families they had stayed in bed all day cuddling and watching movies and laughing together. TK had slowly felt himself start getting better about being away from his dad if Alex was there to fill the space. He had felt safe with Alex and his anxiety had been quiet. He remembered making love that night and how happy he had been in Alex’s arms. Then his traitorous brain reminded him of the mysterious phone call Alex had claimed was about work even on the holiday but TK had been too caught up facetiming his dad to care at the time. 

Now he finally knew better.

Alex had been talking to MItchell that day. Right before making love to him he had been talking to another man and maybe even telling him that he loved him. TK damn well knew that if he was lying to one of them that it was him. He had been played the fool for months and because he was so focused on his dad and his stupid seperation anxiety he had never even had a clue. He hadn’t been enough to make Alex stay. He would never be enough for anyone and sooner or later his dad was going to leave and he would be stuck completely alone. 

“Hey, hey TK, breathe for me,” Judd’s voice cut across his spiralling thoughts and he realized breathing had gotten much more difficult the longer he stayed in his head. He found a hand uselessly coming up to his neck like that would help him somehow suck in a proper breath. “Deep breath kiddo, it’s okay.” 

“He never loved me,” TK found himself gasping as the tears fell harder. He knew Judd had no clue what he was talking about and given his way he likely didn’t want to know but TK couldn’t keep the horrible heartbreaking thought inside any longer. “He never fucking loved me.”

“Shh,” Judd had his hands wrapped around TK’s smaller ones and he squeezed to keep TK grounded as best he could. “TK, you’re going to make yourself sick kiddo if you cry like this. Follow my breathing okay? We’re going to breathe together nice and slow for a little bit.” 

TK couldn’t calm down since it was like his mind was on a whirlwind of memories that had already haunted him for the last few months but now felt ten times more damaging when he picked up on signs he had blissfully missed. He was trying to listen to Judd and slow his breathing to a normal level but it was nearly impossible. He needed the compression of being held and being safe in someone else’s arms. He really wanted his dad since it had been clear for so many years that he was the only man TK could truly rely on. 

He gently threw himself into Judd’s arms making the older man tumble back into the wall behind him. He didn’t say a word of protest as TK huddled himself into Judd’s chest and let the older man’s warmth be a kind of comfort to him. Judd didn’t waste a moment before his arms were wrapped around him tightly as he rubbed TK’s back. 

“I want Dad,” TK let himself say into Judd’s chest as his sobs shuddered through him but his breathing slowed some. 

“He should be back soon, bud,” Judd told him softly as he rested his cheek on the top of TK’s head. “I’ll stay with you until he gets here. I won’t leave you.” The older firefighter felt his heart break at TK’s small voice and shaking frame against him. He knew the kid had been anxious since the moment Cap left, but he figured a few hours was manageable. He really should have put together the pieces over the last few days that it wasn’t manageable in the slightest. 

“My ex cheated on me for almost a year,” TK told Judd trying to stop the soft hiccups that were following his sobs. “He made things easier with my dad. I loved him more than I’ve loved anyone before. I asked him to m-marry me and he finally told me about Mitchell but I just saw a post of their one year anniversary which meant he n-never loved -- He never --”

“Oh kid,” Judd said softly as he held him tighter to his chest as his tears fell in full force once again. He knew he shouldn’t let himself get this worked up but he couldn’t help feeling abandoned all over again by someone he trusted the most. “You deserved so much better than that. He was nothing more than some two timing bastard.”

“I’m never enough,” TK sobbed as his thoughts fully spiralled out of his control. “Everyone always leaves me and I’m left alone. I’m never fucking enough for anyone to stay. I wanna be enough. I try so hard and nothing I do works and-and-”

“That’s not true bud,” Judd told him, knowing his words fell mostly on deaf ears at this point. “You are enough by just being you. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone. Don’t get worked up again, please.” 

“I want my dad!” TK sobbed louder as his mind screamed for the one person he always wanted when things were falling apart. “I want him!”

“He’ll be here soon, kiddo,” Judd felt helpless as TK sobbed against his chest, shirt quickly soaking with tears. He got his phone out to send a text to the Cap and tell him TK needed him as soon as he could get away. He felt nothing but heartbreak at the fact that TK had been left so much in his life that he felt abandoned all the time and he had become so desperate to hold onto who was left. 

They were left alone for another twenty minutes during which TK couldn’t calm himself down much and Judd could do nothing more than hold the younger man tightly and reassure him that he was there and that TK wasn’t alone. Owen rushed into the room looking incredibly worried but altogether unsurprised at the state TK had worked himself into. 

“I’m here baby boy,” The older Strand said gently as he knelt next to them. He wasted no time scooping TK up into his arms and holding him tightly in his arms like TK weighed absolutely nothing. “Shh, TK I’m here baby. Daddy’s here and you’re okay now. Deep breath for me sweetheart.” 

“What can I do?” Judd asked quietly, unsure if he would even be heard over the cries. Owen had asked him to help, but he felt like he failed spectacularly at his first opportunity. 

“Can you grab him a water bottle from the fridge? Maybe something small to eat? Thanks Judd for being here.” Owen whispered to him as he rocked TK back and forth letting his son cry himself out. “Did something happen?”

“Something with his ex on Instagram,” Judd replied, unsure if TK could possibly tell the story twice. “Turns out his ex was quite the two timing bastard. Cheated on him for almost a year is what T told me.”

“If you only knew how much I wish I could get away with murder,” Owen muttered as he slowly sat on one of the beds while keeping TK on his lap and as close as humanly possible. It sounded as if TK was calming down a little at last. He had his face tucked into Owen’s neck as far as he could as his body shook out of his control. “That’s it baby, keep taking those deep breaths. You’re okay with me I promise.”

“D-daddy,” TK whimpered as the tears slowly stopped and his head and chest ached fiercely from the panic and the tears. “I’m sorry. I was okay but then I went and saw Alex-”

“Judd told me,” Owen cut him off, not wanting the story to set him off again. “Alex was a horrible man TK and he never deserved someone like you. You can find someone so much better. You deserve the entire world.”

“I wasn’t enough,” TK said sadly with a few sniffles. 

“No, baby, no that isn’t true,” Owen reassured quickly as he wiped tears off his son’s face gently. “It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with the kind of man Alex is.”

“I’m sorry about all this...again,” TK’s throat was sore as well as he swallowed a few times and closed his eyes against the headache. All he wanted was to go home with his dad to curl up for the night. “I didn’t mean to cause a scene.”

“I know that baby,” Owen kissed the side of his head and guided TK’s head back to rest on his shoulder. “Do you want me to take you home?”

“Not without you,” TK clutched onto his dad’s shirt tightly. “Please, dad, I don’t want to be alone. I can just take a nap here if you can’ t leave.”

“Have some water bud,” Judd had returned with some grapes in a bowl and a bottle of cold water from their fridge. TK was trying to calm down and stop embarrassing himself like this but he was never one to be good at controlling his emotions. He shakily took the bottle but his dad scooped it out of his hand to open it for him. TK blushed but smiled at him gratefully as he took a sip to soothe his throat. 

“Can you lay with me until I fall asleep?” TK asked his dad while he avoided meeting Judd’s gaze as long as possible. He knew he would have to face him at some point and they would have to move past this so they could do what they did best. His dad kissed his hair one last time as TK heard Judd leave quietly as the exhaustion washed over him from his panic attack. He didn’t love sleeping with his dad at the station but he figured this time at least Judd would keep the rest of the team busy and away from them for the time being. 

“Alex never deserved you,” His dad repeated lowly once they were settled with TK’s head on the other man’s chest. “Not for one minute. You’re better off without him and I promise you that. I know it will take some time for you to realize but that boy had you so drugged up that you couldn’t see what he was doing to you. You deserve to hurt and to be angry, but I promise it’s for the best.”

“I thought he loved me,” The only reason TK could get the words out without breaking down all over again was because he was too exhausted to cry anymore. “I never thought he’d lie to me like that. I didn’t think he would cheat after everything. I gave him all I could and it wasn’t enough for him. Sometimes I wonder if I’m enough for anyone.”

“You’re enough for me, baby,” His father hugged him close “You’re enough for our family here at the firehouse. You’ll always be enough for the people that truly love you. Sometimes it takes time to figure out who that is.”

TK nuzzled his face closer to his father’s chest so he could hear his heartbeat as he slowly fell asleep.

~~~

The text was burning a hole in his pocket as he watched the time creep closer to midnight. He was curled into a corner of the couch while his dad was asleep a few rooms over. Due to his unexpected nap during the shift he wasn’t tired yet and the text he had finally gotten from Carlos in reply to the one he had sent what seemed like ages ago played in his mind. He had apologized for the long wait and had rambled a little about his day before the final text had come through offering for him to come by at midnight after both of their shifts ended. He still hadn’t mentioned anything about Carlos to his dad and he wasn’t ready for that yet. He had no idea if Carlos was interested in truly being anything to him just yet or if that’s what TK wanted. He had thought he wanted Carlos to be more than just a hookup, but after the revelation about Alex earlier today he wasn’t so sure he was ready for another relationship to lose himself in. His dad would be absolutely right to warn him away from a relationship while he was still a freshly recovering addict out of a three year relationship which one third of which had been a complete lie. His emotions were the last thing he trusted and with a face like the officer’s what else would TK be thinking with? He was desperate for affection in a way his dad couldn’t give him, but affection never came without attachment. His thoughts could run on a loop for hours outlining why going over to Carlos’s house in the middle of the night was a terrible idea. 

So why did he find himself throwing on a hoodie and sneaking out of the house anyways?

He didn’t want Alex to win. He didn’t want the last time a man truly touched him to have been his cheating scumbag of a boyfriend. If Alex could throw everything they had away for a different man then he could too. He wanted a new memory to replace the last ones he had of Alex. Carlos seemed more than capable of blowing his mind and making him forget all about any other man that had touched him. 

He stopped in front of the address Carlos had given him and bounced nervously on his toes. His house looked nice from the outside with everything perfectly kept up on the outside and the edges of the lawn trimmed to the last detail. A blue Camaro was in the driveway and TK could tell the car was taken care of as flawlessly as the house. Carlos took care of what belonged to him and a shiver went up his spine when his mind supplied the reminder that he wanted to be one of those things. 

He took another deep breath before he slowly walked up the drive and stood in front of the tall mahogany door. He could do this without the unhealthy attachment. He could be normal and hook up with some hot officer to forget about his worries. He was a grown man and could make his own choices about who he slept with. Just because his dad liked to fill his head with big romantic gestures didn’t mean everything had to involve that. Millions of people hooked up every day for nothing more than a good time and he wasn’t doing anything wrong by showing up where he was invited. He knocked on the door before he could overthink tonight anymore or before he would be considered unfashionably late. 

Carlos opened the door looking drool worthy in a light blue button up that hugged his muscles just enough to drive TK crazy instantly. He barely made it in the door before he found himself attaching his lips to Carlos’s and wasn’t disappointed when his mind went blank immediately. Carlos’s back hit the door as his hands came up to either side of Carlos’s neck and his thumbs traced the incredible jawline he couldn’t forget about even if he tried. He was only allowed control for a moment before that skilled tongue slipped into his mouth and Carlos took control effortlessly. His knees went a little weak at the way he had been so right about the dominant vibes he had detected. He knew damn well he was completely a submissive but Alex had never managed to make his knees weak from just a kiss. 

“Take a breath, Tiger,” Carlos sounded a bit amused as he brushed his hood back enough to properly see his face. “As much as I love that kind of greeting, I did invite you over for a little more than just hooking up.”

“What?” TK drew back at that before following Carlos’s gaze to behind him where a table was set with two settings complete with a bottle of champagne cooling in a bucket of ice. Now that he wasn’t attached to Carlos by the lips he smelled something delicious cooking. His heart kicked up it’s rhythm as he realized Carlos had indeed wanted more than a hookup. He wasn’t ready for something more, not after the fiasco from earlier. He came here to forget since his anxiety meds were locked up and he hadn’t had the heart to wake his dad. He turned back to face Carlos and saw brown eyes steadily looking at him and gauging his reaction to something he obviously hadn’t expected. TK bit his lip for a moment before deciding he would try to convince Carlos to have some fun and then he could make up some reason to leave afterward. He didn’t have to stay for a meal with Carlos. He didn’t have to let himself fall any further. “Well, have me for an appetizer?” He followed up his enticement with a kiss to Carlos’s jaw, using just enough teeth to have Carlos’s eyes slipping closed and his hands to slip down to grip TK’s hips firmly 

“You’re quite the little minx, aren’t you?” Carlos ducked his head to nip none too gently at his neck as one hand crept down to squeeze his ass. TK groaned softly as his head instinctually fell to the side to give the other man clear access. 

“You like it, don’t you?” TK tried to sound confident and teasing but the part of him in constant need for validation really really needed Carlos to like him tonight since it seemed that Alex never had. He really hoped being with Carlos would get Alex out of his head a little. He had been doing better with the break up until today when he had to realize everything he had believed about his own relationship was untrue. 

Instead of a verbal answer Carlos hooked a hand behind his neck to kiss him deeply as he steered him to the right of the kitchen and down a short hallway to a closed door that only made sense to be the bedroom. TK couldn’t help giggling when Carlos had extraordinary trouble getting the door open in his haste to get them to a bed as soon as possible. He got a swift smack to his ass for giggling but the smile on Carlos’s face told him that he wasn’t truly angry. 

“How are you so sexy and adorable at the same time?” Carlos softened his kiss this time but it didn’t change the shivers running over him. 

“Pure talent,” TK replied cheekily as Carlos began to unbutton his shirt and all coherent thought left him. He hadn’t gotten to see any of Carlos’s glorious body when they had been in that alley although he had felt plenty and his fingers had let his imagination run wild. He felt his mouth go dry as the shirt fell to the floor to reveal the rippling muscles under caramel skin and a gorgeous six pack above the happy trail fading beneath tight pants. 

“Like what you see sweetheart?” Carlos asked him with a smirk and a chuckle. “I know your body is just as gorgeous. You firefighters make it a habit to keep in excellent shape.”

“I’m not your first firefighter then?” TK tried to shove aside the disappointed feeling that he wasn’t anything special. Alex had already shown him that he was hardly special and so easily replaceable. 

“You are,” Carlos corrected with a soft smile that seemed like he could read TK’s insecure thoughts. “I’ve been friends with Judd for years and he still never shuts up about the workout routine required. He might love his job but i don’t think he’ll ever love the hard work to go with it.”

Carlos was close with Judd, fucking hell this was bad. Had Judd mentioned him? Had he said anything about his spectacularly stupid breakdown earlier today? How close were the two of them? TK bit his lip and really tried not to think of the worst. He was here for a good time and that was all. If Judd had revealed anything then it apparently didn’t bother Carlos since he still got the invite to come over. He could let himself have this.

“Workouts six days a week aren’t fun,” TK agreed as he started to unbutton his own shirt quickly and let the fabric drift to the floor. He knew he looked good but still the look on Carlos’s face had his cheeks turning pink as those mocha eyes darkened with unmistakable lust. He had missed the thrill of being wanted. 

“Appetizers were an excellent idea,” Carlos’s voice had dropped lower with arousal and TK felt his cock twitch in response. He glanced down to see Carlos also semi-hard already in his own pants and it washed over him that this was really happening. He was really about to sleep with someone other than Alex for the first time in his life. He had sincerely thought that Alex would be his first and his last. It felt so strange to be considering jumping into bed with another man, another man that he knew nothing about. He had seen Carlos around on calls and thought he seemed like a good man, but that’s where his info ended. Nerves swept over him as he took his bottom lip between his teeth as Carlos inched closer to him and hooked fingers in his belt loops to pull him close. His own shaking hands rested on Carlos’s chest slowly whil\e he continuously glanced up at Carlos to make sure this was okay. From their last endeavor together TK had gathered the rules were a little different than before but it still made him nervous. “You’re shaking darling, are you okay?” Carlos’s voice had lightened considerably as he took both of TK’s hands in his own gently as he looked at him carefully with some of the lust fueled goggles fading. 

“You’re the second guy I’ve ever been with,” TK whispered as he felt his face absolutely light on fire. “My ex was my first.” 

Instantly nearly everything about Carlos changed, his whole face softened and he made a soft noise in the back of his throat as his grip became much more gentle. “TK, we don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with okay? We can stick with what we did last time if that’s all you’re comfortable with. You have absolutely no obligation to jump into bed with me tonight.”

“You invited me over after midnight,” TK whispered as he kept his gaze on the floor. 

“That’s when both of our shifts were over,’ Carlos kept his voice gentle as he tilted TK’s head up so their eyes could meet. TK felt some of the nerves calm as he looked into Carlos’s eyes and saw nothing but kind understanding there. “You’re in charge here. We only do what you’re okay with doing.”

“I want you,” TK admitted as he swallowed and wet his lips nervously. “I just… That scares me.”

“We can go slow,” Carlos promised as he stepped closer again and his warm breath smelled like cinnamon and TK couldn’t resist the urge to kiss him. Being with Carlos was certainly different than being with Alex. Alex always liked to take control when they had been together in every aspect of their relationship. He was always the guy making moves and telling TK where to be and when. He picked where they went out to eat. He chose when they spent time together. He had so many rules in the bedroom it was hard to keep track sometimes. He wasn’t allowed to touch unless given permission and he was to be in whatever position Alex wanted. He was only allowed to cum when given permission and not a moment before. Carlos already seemed to want his opinion on far more than Alex ever did. He was allowed to set their pace and it seemed as though he was even allowed to touch Carlos’s gorgeous body when he wanted to. 

Their kiss caught fire like the best kind of kindling and soon their bodies were flush against one another and TK could feel how much Carlos wanted him against his thigh. His touch was warm and firm as he steered TK gently toward the bed in the middle of the room. Hands were on his belt smoothly undoing it and pushing his pants down to his ankles. TK couldn’t help the shiver that ran through him when the skin of his thighs was exposed to the room and nothing more covered him than the black lace panties he had put on after work when he had been considering whether or not to accept the officer’s offer. It was his favorite pair and he wondered if Carlos would like him in lingerie. Alex hadn’t cared much for it and it was one of the first things TK had started wearing again after they had broken up. 

“You’re trying to kill me,’ Carlos once again had the husky quality to his voice as he froze to gaze at the delicate fabric barely covering him. TK felt his face and neck once again turning pink as Carlos slowly reached out to run a finger over the fabric and hook a finger to run over the edge along his hip. “You wear these just for me?”

“They’re my favorite,” TK’s heart was pounding as Carlos looked at him like he was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, like a treasured work of art. “I thought you would like them.”

“You look so fucking gorgeous in these,” Carlos told him with a finger still trailing carefully around the edge. He reached around to cup one of his ass cheeks in his large warm hand and TK barely caught the moan that wanted to escape as he leaned further into Carlos’s chest. “Can you lay on the bed for me and let me look at you?”

“Yes sir,” The title slipped out before TK could stop himself and he scrambled onto the blanket to slowly lay against the pillows and lay so Carlos could see him as he wanted. Carlos had an unreadable expression on his face and TK tried not to let it make him nervous. Carlos silently shed the rest of his clothes and TK felt his mouth go dry and his cock fully harden when he saw Carlos’s impressie package on display. He wasn’t quite as long as Alex had been but TK could see he was a lot thicker. Carlos laid next to him on the bed to touch his face gently and TK couldn’t resist nuzzling into his hand, so starved for this kind of touch for longer than the night at the restaurant. 

“I hope you know how gorgeous you are,” Carlos told him softly with his hand slowly moving down his neck before leaning in and following with his lips and tongue. “If you don’t, I promise you will before tonight is over.”

“Carlos,” TK moaned as those nimble fingers found his right nipple and started to pinch and twist it. He stiffened when he realized he had made noise without being told but Carlos didn’t seem to mind in the slightest as he worked to make TK slowly lose his mind. His hips jumped when Carlos tugged on his nipple as his teeth found the other while his other hand stroked his hair. TK whined low in his throat as his hips twitched once more. He loved having his nipples played with but he found it impossible to stay quiet. He felt Carlos smirk as he shifted so he was laying on top of TK and shifted his mouth to the other side. TK’s cock was now pressed against Carlos’s stomach and he longed to thrust up and get some friction on his leaking cock. He bit his lip to swallow another moan as Carlos’s free hand came to stroke the inside of his thigh and spread his legs further apart so he could fully lay between them. 

TK felt himself easily slipping into subspace by the way his mind started to float and stop thinking so much. He had done research after it had happened with Alex early on in their relationship and it had scared him not to know what was happening to him. Sometimes he could still stay aware of himself while feeling just a tad out of it but other times he found himself completely sunk into some space he couldn't get out of for a long time. The effects varied from time to time but he still didn’t fully understand it. He had never slipped so quickly as he was doing with Carlos and if he had to guess he would think it was because Carlos was more effortlessly dominating whereas Alex had to work so much harder at it. Alex was more about punishment following commands rather than the simple effort of dominating someone else. 

He was brought out of his thoughts by Carlos finally touching him and stroking his leaking cock firmly and slowly. His panties were still on and the rough feel of the fabric only enhanced the friction against his sensitive skin. He threw his head back and didn’t have any hope of holding back a long loud moan as he helplessly thrust into Carlos’s hand with every stroke.

“There you go,” Carlos murmured to him as he kissed the inside of TK”s knee. “You can be as loud for me as you want to. I want to hear those pretty moans just for me.”

“Feels so good,” TK whimpered and couldn’t help the way his legs spread wider instinctively as he wanted too badly to be filled by that wonderful cock. 

“You’re so wet for me. So responsive and such a good boy,” Carlos kept up his stream of praise as he continued to stroke him with one hand while the other slipped lower to fondle his balls, rolling them and lifting them. His touch was gentle but so confident at the same time and it was enough to drive TK absolutely crazy. The praise had him whining and panting as Carlos mouthed at the edges of his panties which were already soaked from his leaking cock. After what seemed like ages of nothing but teasing TK finally felt a hand travel back to massage his ass as a pillow was pushed under his hips. TK didn’t think he had ever been so turned on in his entire life. Carlos slowly took the black lace down his legs and over his ankles to drop them by the bed before a finger traced over his hole. 

“Please,” TK whined helplessly. He needed release and he needed it soon. 

“Shh, I’m going to take care of you sweetheart,” Carlos promised as a drawer opened next to them. TK stiffened at the sound and felt his heart start to race. The only time Alex opened a drawer when they were together was to get a toy out and he hadn’t been a huge fan of the toys Alex had. They were always too big and made him uncomfortable and normally it meant Alex was about to leave him alone while he was on a call or watching some TV show. He didn’t like being alone and he knew he was already slipping so quickly. 

“No,” TK whimpered as he scooted slightly up the bed before he could think better of it. He’s trying so hard to be good for Carlos so he wouldn’t end up alone again. Then again Carlos wasn’t anyone to him so he wouldn’t be sticking around either way and this whole thing meant nothing in the end. 

“Shh, baby, what’s wrong?” Carlos asked him while rubbing his thigh gently and peering at him from where he was perched between his legs. “I just reached for some lube and a condom.”

“I thought it was a toy,” TK said shyly and feeling incredibly stupid but also a tad confused. Alex never used lube. He either uses spit or the precum already soaking him. 

“Not a fan of toys baby?” Carlos asked him and TK was trying to calm down again and honestly he wanted Carlos to come back up here for a minute. Those lips seemed to have the power to make him forget about just about everything. TK shook his head and trained his eyes on the ceiling to try to get back in the mood but his nerves had sunk in all over again. Carlos seemed to read his mind as he shifted to be next to TK again and laid next to him. He brought TK in for a gentle kiss and like he had predicted the touch of Carlos’s lips made him forget about everything else as he shuffled closer to press his body to Carlos’s and sighed softly when Carlos wrapped his arms around him to pull him close.

“I’m sorry,” TK apologized softly between kisses. 

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Carlos ran a hand through his hair to soothe him and kissed his cheek. “I didn’t mean to scare you. You still want me to finger you?”

“Finger me?” TK frowned in confusion even as he sighed in pleasure when Carlos went back to slowly massaging his ass. Those hands gripped him easily and TK loved how big the other man’s hands were. He rocked back into those hands and instantly he remembered how hard he had been before his mind had drawn up inaccurate conclusions. His slick precome made it easy for him to rock against Carlos and the press of their dicks together made his eyes roll back. 

“Finger you,” Carlos repeated as he ran a finger over his waiting hole with what must have been lube on his finger. 

“My ex never used his fingers,” TK hated bringing up Alex right now since it sent a rock into his stomach. He would not miss Alex, not now. Carlos was sweet and sexy and had the ability to make him feel almost unbearably good with next to no effort. “It sounds hot though.”

“How did he stretch you?” Carlos’s finger had disappeared and his hands had drifted up to his back and TK instantly missed the contact. 

“He-” TK was trying to form words but he really didn’t want to talk about Alex and the small amount of friction had made him crazy all over again. He just wanted Carlos to fuck him so he could go to that place where he didn’t have to think anymore. “Carlos, please.”

“Shh, okay okay carino calm down for me.” Carlos chuckled softly as his hands slipped back down and a finger finally slid inside of him. TK groaned and buried his face in Carlos’s neck as his hips were shifted a little higher so that Carlos had better access to slide his finger in deeper. It felt amazing and TK felt himself slipping once again into that place he loved. It wasn’t long before Carlos had three fingers smoothly moving in and out of him and TK found himself distantly begging for more. It wasn’t until he was moved on his stomach and Carlos was starting to finally, fucking finally, push into him that things went wrong.

TK had slipped into what the internet called subspace without even meaning to and while he was in the space in his head where he didn’t have to care about anything he had forgotten he wasn’t with Alex. He had thought he was back in New York with the only man he had ever let touch him like this. He had forgotten about his heartbreak and thought everything was okay again. Before his overdose and before the move and before his separation anxiety had once again exploded into unmanageable territory. Carlos pushed into him and he felt so different from Alex that his brain abruptly pulled out of the dreamy place to crash back down to reality to make him overwhelmed and scared at what was entering his body for a minute. Carlos was a lot thicker than Alex and the stretch was uncomfortable but not painful thanks to all the work from the fingers earlier. Tears sprang to his eyes before he could stop them and try to catch up to what was going on around him. He had never slipped in and out of subspace like this before and it was disorienting as hell. He suddenly missed Alex with an intensity he hadn’t felt since he had been left alone in his best clothes at the table. It was stupid since Alex never loved him and didn’t deserve him and Carlos was so much better than him in so many ways. He wanted Carlos but this was overwhelming as hell and he was probably dumb to come over here and think he could move on so simply. 

“TK?” Carlos had frozen halfway inside of him and TK hid his face in the pillow to hide his tears. This was humiliating and so unfair to Carlos who had already been incredibly patient with him. It had been his idea to have sex in the first place and now here he was crying halfway through. “Hey, hey, can you look at me? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” TK tried to keep his voice even and wiped his face before turning so he could look back at Carlos. It only took a glance for Carlos to see he was obviously crying and not even close to okay.

“Can you try to relax for me so I can pull out without hurting you?” Carlos had a thumb rubbing over his hip as TK buried his face in the pillows as he felt a sob bubbling up for the second time that day. Carlos rubbed his back as he pulled out as slowly as he could before wasting no time in pulling TK fully into his lap to let him cry while being held. 

“I’m so so fucking sorry,” TK gasped out as he tried to stop crying. “I’m being so stupid and you’re so...everything I don’t deserve.”

“Shhh, I know you were slipping in and out of subspace,” Carlos soothed him with a kiss to his temple. 

“You felt so different,” TK whimpered as he curled closer and was only dimly aware he was shaking. “It s-scared me and I’m sorry.”

“How long ago did your ex leave?” Carlos asked as he pulled a blanket from the end of the bed to wrap around him. “Did he even know about subspace? It didn’t sound like he knew or cared about a lot of things.”

“T-two months,” TK sobbed and wished he could die. He should have known better than to think this would work out. “I like you and I wanted to be with you and not think about him anymore. I didn’t mean to be bad.”

“No, no, you were so good baby,” Carlos assured him with another kiss to his forehead. “I think we should have probably talked about a lot more before I tried sleeping with you. That’s purely my fault. I was irresponsible as a Dom and that isn’t on you.”

“You didn’t even know I was a sub,” TK sniffed a few times and felt relieved when the tears slowed at last. 

“Oh darling, I knew that since our first kiss,” Carlos smirked a little which made TK laugh softly. “I should have also known from the moment you were afraid to touch me that your last boyfriend was a complete idiot and had no idea how to take care of you.”

“I found out he cheated on me for almost a year today,” TK admitted as he laid his head on Carlos’s shoulder and snuggled as close as he could. 

“No wonder you’re an emotional mess,” Carlos sympathized as he hugged him tight. “You need some water and food in you while being held for a while.”

“You aren’t kicking me out? After not even letting you finish?” TK couldn’t believe Carlos could be real. What kind of man let a hook up stay after crying in the middle of sex? 

“You got scared. Why would I kick you out for that? I want to make sure you’re okay and don’t go into a drop.” Carlos rubbed the back of his neck gently and TK closed his eyes. 

“A drop? What do you mean?” TK knew that Carlos knew a hell of a lot more about sub and Dom relationships than he did. He had only done some basic quick googling once before abandoning the effort. 

“A sub drop,” Carlos said patiently with his hand never leaving the back of his neck. “It’s something that can happen after a sub goes into subspace and doesn’t get the proper care afterward. It involves physical and emotional symptoms sometimes and makes a sub feel pretty awful. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

“So how do you avoid a sub drop thing?” TK asked as he practically purred under Carlos’s soft hands. 

“Lots of cuddles and attention for you,” Carlos said with a smile as he pressed a kiss to his nose. TK couldn’t fight the light blush that covered his cheeks as he hid his face in Carlos’s neck. He had rarely gotten cuddled after sex, let alone disaster sex. Alex hadn’t been much of a cuddler when he slept and any other time it had always seemed like he had had better places to be. 

“Can we move this to the couch so I can make sure you get some water?” Carlos asked him after a few minutes of silence. 

“Yeah,” TK answered but he hated letting go of Carlos even for the minute it took to get to his feet. He felt the tug of panic he normally only felt with his dad away from him and he had never felt it this quickly with someone else before. His separation anxiety had spread to Alex after a few months into their relationship and TK knew Alex had absolutely hated it. He had hated the endless phone calls when they were apart and the texts to see what he was up to nearly constantly. TK was clingy and needy and the worst type of boyfriend. As he cuddled into the corner of the couch and watched Carlos get him water and warm up some food that had been ready for hours he realized that maybe Carlos didn’t want this to end as a hook up to be forgotten about in a few months time. He thought he wanted more from this, more between them and more from TK. He thought he wanted TK to be in his life when that would only cause ruin in the other man’s life. How long would it be before Carlos got tired of him and left as well? 

“Carlos,” TK said quietly as the other man finally settled on the couch beside him. He fiddled with the bottle of water he was handed and immediately started to pick at the label. “What do you want from… this? I mean, are we just meant to have a good time?”

Carlos reached a hand up to stroke his cheek tenderly and TK leaned into his touch without thinking about it too much. “I haven’t been able to get you off my mind TK since that night at the bar. You’re quite the catch TK Strand. I’d even call you a ten.”

“Oh God,” TK giggled helplessly before sighing heavily and looked at Carlos’s deep brown eyes that he could get lost in so easily. “Carlos, you don’t want me. Trust me, I’m not the guy you want in your life. I have a lot of… problems. I’m too much to handle for anyone. You don’t want m-me.” TK blinked furiously to hold back tears for reasons he couldn’t identify. 

Carlos kept his hand cupping one side of TK’s face and marveled how such a beautiful person could think so little of themselves. TK was a beautiful boy who had obviously never been cared for the way he deserved. His last boyfriend hadn’t done right by him in just the little Carlos knew about him. “Anyone who ever told you that you weren’t enough was one hundred percent wrong. There is nothing wrong with needing to be loved and cared for. I don’t want this to be the last time I see you. I am not going to be scared off by some baggage or some problems. We all have problems. I can promise you that.”

“I’m sorry I’m not normally like this,” TK wiped at his eyes even as Carlos wiped away as many tears as he could. “I just feel… overwhelmed? It’s been a long day.”

“Drink some of that water for me, love,” Carlos nudged his hand to prompt him to finally take a few swallows of water which did help his dry throat. “I think it’s time you get to relax and watch a show to take your mind off of things. Come here,” He opened his arms and TK was helpless to resist the urge to fall into them and accept the warmth Carlos offered. He felt his body relax as soon as Carlos secured him back in his arms. He felt tired for the first time that day as a mindless show played on the screen and TK found himself with his head resting on Carlos’s chest with nowhere else he would rather be. He felt his eyes slip closed and he let himself feel safe enough to fall asleep in a beautiful stranger’s arms. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean for this to take three weeks, I honestly didn't. Time got away from me and I have no excuses. So now we have the morning after with Carlos being a sweetheart, and then Owen being dad of the year.
> 
> So, a thing I'm gonna address here. 
> 
> TK regresses in age a bit when he is particularly upset. It's not often and it's not completely. It's like a couple habits that are a little childish for his age. I just think it fit with this version of TK and I won't bring it up much but it will be around in bits and pieces. 
> 
> Thank you for all of your kind comments!!!! You guys rock and I hope you continue to read and let me know what you think! They make my day and are getting me motivated to write. 
> 
> Yes if anyone is wondering I will probably definitely be including things from season 2 when the fic comes to that point. But we have lots and lots of time to kill before we get that far so let's have some fun! 
> 
> Happy Reading :)

TK woke in Carlos’s bed once again with blankets tucked over him and an arm around his waist holding him against a firm chest. Carlos must have carried him to bed sometime after he had fallen asleep on the couch. He saw early morning light fall through the blinds and realized he had stayed out all night without so much as telling his dad where he was. He might have the worst case of separation anxiety, but his dad wasn’t much better after his overdose. There were rules he had agreed to upon moving here and staying out all night in another guy’s bed broke nearly all of them. He was supposed to let his dad know where he was at all times. He was not supposed to be dating anyone for at least a few months into his sobriety. He was supposed to keep his phone on and charged at all times. His phone was currently dead right now in the pocket of the pants he had lost sometime last night. His father definitely knew he was gone by now, having a habit of being an early riser. He was about to be in a world of trouble and he hated his dad being angry with him. 

He got up to start gathering his clothes quietly and opening up the app to call himself an uber home. Carlos made a noise behind him which made TK jump and whirl to face Carlos who had sleepy eyes and a dopey grin on his face. His stomach erupted in butterflies at the way Carlos managed to look like the handsomest man he had ever seen when he woke up less than a minute ago. 

“Where are you going, sweetheart?” Carlos asked him, voice low and raspy with sleep. TK felt an arousal stir from the simple lilt of his voice. He flushed when flashes came to him of the night before of how needy he had been for Carlos’s touch and for his time, both of which he didn’t deserve. Carlos was so far out of his league and how did he end up in someone else’s bed so soon after he had been ready to propose to someone else? Was he any better than Alex? “Come back to bed TK, please. I can hear you thinking from over here.”

“I’ve been out all night,” TK took a deep breath and pulled on his pants with shaky hands and his heart racing. “My dad is going to kill me.”

“Your dad?” Carlos’s brow furrowed in confusion and TK felt himself flush all over again as he realized he had to explain to Carlos that he still lived at home with his father at twenty-six years old. 

“I live at home with him,” TK focused on pulling on his socks instead of looking at the other man. “I haven’t found a place yet in Austin. I wanted to check out the areas around here before making a decision.”

“That’s smart,” A ruffle of sheets indicated that Carlos was getting out of bed and TK felt himself start to shake and he wasn’t sure why exactly. He had a lot of theories,but no real concrete reason why he was shaking. “TK, you’re shaking. I can’t let you run out like this.”

“I’ll be fine,” TK yanked on his shirt and ran a hand through his hair. “It’s just cold in here. I’ll call an uber and I’ll be just fine. You don’t need to worry about me. Thanks for letting me stay last night even after I… After we… Yeah, you’re a good guy.”

“You’re dropping baby,” Carlos said quietly as he pulled on some pants of his own before taking TK into his arms and kissing his hair. 

“No,” TK shook his head but couldn’t help cuddling into Carlos’s warm chest and inhaling his sweet scent. “I just really need to get home.”

“You were so good for me last night,” Carlos told him quietly as his hands rubbed up and down his back. “You were perfect and so beautiful. I couldn’t ask for anything more than that. You were scared and unsure and I would never dream of blaming you for any of that. You gave me everything you could TK.”

“Carlos,” TK knew this time the blush went all the way down his neck but he couldn’t deny that some part of him felt better at the other man’s reassurances. 

“Do you want coffee? I can drive you home and save you money on an uber.” Carlos pressed a gentle kiss to his neck and TK melted like putty in his hands even as anxiety still sat in his stomach over what his dad was about to say when he got home. What if his dad was so angry he cut TK off from sleeping with him? What if he had messed everything up for good? What if his dad decided to distance himself after all the clinging and neurotic behavior? What if he went back to New York? 

“I can’t do coffee,” TK swallowed against the rising anxiety and tried to stop his thoughts from racing so fast. He hoped it wouldn’t become unmanageable before he got home and Carlos would have to deal with yet another ridiculous breakdown from him. One was already far too much to ask. “I’m sorry, but I really need to get home. My dad is going to go ballistic after I’ve been out all night without telling him. I know it’s stupid and you probably think I’m some weird guy who gets treated like a kid still. You wouldn’t be entirely wrong by the way, but it’s complicated-”

“Woah woah,” Carlos cupped his face to look at him closely and somehow those deep brown eyes calmed the racing just enough so he could keep from spiralling. “It’s okay that your dad is protective. My mami is the same way over her kids. Let me grab a shirt and I’ll give you a ride home.”

“I can take an uber,” TK missed the warm hands on his face as Carlos turned to scan for a shirt from his closet. “I don’t want to put you out like that. You’ve done more than enough.”

“Did your ex really make you think you weren’t worth basic decency?” Carlos looked as though he regretted asking the question but it made TK stare at him and wonder if Alex may have disillusioned him to think going the extra mile maybe wasn’t going too much extra. “Sorry, that was uncalled for. It’s just that you seem so surprised a guy would treat you like a human being so I have to wonder how he treated you. I already know he’s an asshole for cheating, but some things make me wonder if he might be an asshole for a myriad of other things as well.”

“I’ll wait outside,” TK fumbled out as he slipped out of the room and found his way outside by the famous blue Camaro. Carlos wasn’t at all wrong and that made a funny feeling sit in his stomach. His dad had hated Alex for ages and it was the only thing they had gotten into a true fight about. He wasn’t stupid and the longer they were apart the blinders seemed to be coming off more and more. He had gotten TK into the oxycodone when they had started dating as a way to calm him down when he struggled to stay the night away from his dad. He hadn’t known what the pills were for the first little while. All Alex would tell him is that they were something to help him calm down and feel good. It had been the gateway to TK being more reliant on Alex than his dad. He soon only got the pills if he behaved. His dad had been livid when he had found out what the pills were and how hooked onto them his son was. Alex had drugged him into compliance and he still missed him. How fucked up was he? Did he have any good judgement? How could he have let himself be drugged and cheated on for so damn long? Was Carlos even a good guy? Was he simply being blinded all over again into what he wanted to believe? 

“I’m sorry,” Carlos closed the door behind him making TK flinch on instinct. His breathing had quickened while Carlos was getting ready to drive him and suddenly he was unsure about getting into a car with Carlos despite spending the night in his bed. What if Carlos was mad about the coffee and didn’t actually take him home? He could take him anywhere like Alex had after they had gotten in a fight and had been a few cities over from Manhattan. They had stopped at a gas station after a night out with some friends and TK had been making jokes that Alex hadn’t liked very much in front of his friends so he had left him to find his own ride home in the middle of the night. “I had no right to comment on your last relationship. I just hate to see people as sweet and wonderful as you being mistreated. I didn’t mean to make you upset or like I was judging you on who you used to be with.”

“Are you mad that I didn’t want coffee?” TK was focused on his brain telling him that he had terribly offended Carlos over rejecting his coffee. He had already royally pissed off his dad and he couldn’t handle Carlos being upset as well. He just wanted to be a good person and he felt like all he did was fuck up over and over and over again. “I swear it wasn’t anything to do with you but I know my dad is already mad as it is and I need to get home to talk to him. I’m sure your coffee is really good and it’s honestly so nice of you to offer and-”

“Shh,” Carlos softly took his hands to hold them gently. TK was fighting tears for no good reason except his brain just wouldn’t shut up about the many many ways his fragile okayness might be destroyed at any moment. “I’m not mad at all. You don’t need to worry yourself about that. If it would make things better I can come tell your dad that you were with me and you accidentally fell asleep on my couch. I’m good with parents and all that.”

“Don’t you want to keep this between us?” TK had assumed that Carlos wouldn’t want it to get out around the first responders that they were messing around. 

“You’re not some dirty secret,” Carlos stroked his hair to help calm him further. “There isn’t any reason we can’t be seeing each other. I would be lucky if it got out that I was dating someone as gorgeous as you. If you don’t want your dad to know anything yet I can respect that.”

“I don’t know,” TK sighed shakily with his head spinning. “I enjoyed last night with you. It was nice.”

“I hope we can do it again.” Carlos pressed a kiss to his forehead as he opened the car door for him to slip into. TK collapsed onto the passenger seat and kept quiet on the way home, stomach twisting and rolling at what he was about to face. He hadn’t been forced to face his father’s true anger in a long time, but violating all the rules they had agreed to was sure to be a way to provoke it. He hated when people raised their voice to him no matter how much he probably deserved it. He always ended up crying and making the person angry at him annoyed. 

“Thanks,” TK mumbled when they pulled up in front of his house and TK could see his dad in the kitchen through the front window. 

“Your dad loves you,” Carlos said with a gentle hand on his knee and his thumb rubbed gently. “He’s only going to be angry because he was probably worried.”

“You always know what to say,” TK smiled shakily at Carlos and felt his heart flutter when Carlos leaned in for a gentle kiss. 

“I guess it comes with eight years on the job. I’ve dealt with teens and adults who all feel like their parents are going to kill them or be angry when in reality they just want to know their kids are okay. You have my number and please text me if you feel like crap or if you just want to talk.” Carlos said earnestly and finally let him go when TK slowly pushed his passenger door open. He got out of the car and gave a little wave when Carlos backed away and sped off into the Austin streets. 

He already missed him the minute he left.

TK shook his head of those thoughts and knew he couldn’t be attached to Carlos this fast. He could take this slow and he could make this a normal relationship. He would not jump in with blinders on and miss any possible red flag. Now he just had to face his father and hope everything wasn’t about to go up in smoke. 

He slowly opened the front door and quietly closed it behind him to lean against it. He felt like he couldn’t breathe as he waited for his dad to say something. He had seen him through the window when Carlos pulled up. He knew he was home and he wasn’t saying anything and every single second that went by made his anxiety grow mountains. He had broken the rules the two of them had agreed to months ago for a man he knew next to nothing about. He had broken his dad’s trust, the one person he was so terrified to lose.

“Tyler Kennedy!” His dad’s voice was raised and TK could count on one hand the number of times that happened. “Where in the hell were you last night?”

TK felt himself shake harder and the emotions he had been feeling since yesterday rose like a tidal wave Alex cheating on him coupled with a night with Carlos he had a hard time processing made him overwhelmed to tears. He hated crying in front of his dad though some days it seemed like that’s all he did. His dad had seen him at each and every stage of disaster and somehow still loved him anyways. 

“I’m sorry,” TK said as he heard footsteps come around the corner and locked his eyes to the ground, unable to look his father in the eyes to see his anger and disappointment. “I’m so sorry. I know I broke the rules, but I swear I’m not high. I swear to you.”

“You’re supposed to tell me where you are if you’re not going to be home,” His father’s tone was still stern as he stopped in front of him and TK could imagine his arms were folded across his chest and he was wearing that face that made grown men confess their worst sins. 

“I know,” TK was trying to stop the tears and the fact that his father wasn’t already comforting him when it was obvious he was crying concerned him.

“So, do you want to tell me where you were all night?” The tone had softened by a small margin but he couldn’t stop shaking as he huddled in on himself by the front door. He shook his head and heard his father sigh softly. “Bud, come on in the kitchen. I have coffee. Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Dad, don’t go back to New York,” TK begged softly the thought that was screaming in the forefront of his mind and wouldn’t let him go. “Please, don’t go. I know I messed up again and I’m sorry, believe me I’m so sorry. I wasn’t anywhere bad, but I just can’t tell you where I was but I was safe and my phone died and I fell asleep but I don’t want you to leave me here a-a-alone.”

“Ty,” His father’s voice was soft now as he walked the few steps between them to crouch next to him. He must not have noticed the shaking before since his movements were careful but urgent as he cupped the side of his face in his hand. “Ty, baby, look at me.”

TK swallowed hard before he forced himself to look at his dad, meeting the blue eyes full of concern as they reflexively flicked over him to check for any injury or sign of a distress he couldn’t fix. “I’m sorry Daddy.” 

“Listen to me,” His father stroked his cheek gently and wiped away the tears even as more came. “TK, we are a team. I’m not leaving you, ever. Even if you had made a mistake and gotten high I wouldn’t have left. I only want you to be safe and happy and healthy. The rules are not a condition for me to stay with you. The rules we agreed to are only there to make sure you stay healthy.”

“I know I’m b-being stupid, but I c-can’t help it. I’m an adult and I’m always annoying you and in the way and I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to get away from me to live your life without your grown ass son clinging to you all the damn time. Alex ended up going with someone else because I was too much and I just worry I’m always going to be too much for anyone to stay.” TK was sobbing as his heart ached to know if he was ever going to really see Carlos again after the complete disaster he had been at his house. He just wanted to be the guy people had fun with instead of the guy they had to coddle so much. He knew his therapist had diagnosed him with severe separation anxiety disorder years ago now, but he had always thought he would get better with time but that never seemed to be the case. 

“Oh, you’ve really worked yourself up, huh?” His dad said softly as he shifted to sit on the floor with him and he pulled TK into his lap like he had so many times before. TK burrowed close to his dad and let his tears fall onto the older man’s collarbone as the arms he loved came to hold him tightly. “You’re not annoying I promise, never. I love you more than anything else in this world. I am always going to be right here. You have been through a lot and you have an anxiety disorder that makes you cling to the ones you love harder than most people. Take some deep breaths, okay? NIce and slow baby,” 

TK slowly felt the shaking slow as he tried to match his father’s even breathing instead of the frantic heaving breaths he wanted to fall into. It took a good few minutes for his breathing to even out and the tears to slow to almost a stop. His dad was stroking his hair with one hand while the other ran up and down his spine in even soothing strokes. They had this down to a science by now but TK still didn’t feel fully calm even after his breathing evened out at last. He felt a buzzing under his skin that told him he could break down again at any point.

“I think you should tell me where you were,” Owen said gently after they sat there for a little while in silence. “I know you weren’t getting high, I believe you. Whatever you were doing or whoever you were with made you pretty anxious bub. I think you need some warm milk and a movie after you tell me and we’ll try some food later on. You won’t be in trouble for telling me, alright?”

“I was with somebody,” TK confessed knowing his dad was right and he had to get it out somehow. He would protect Carlos’s identity of course, but he didn’t keep secrets from his dad. 

“Do you know this somebody?” Owen’s hand was massaging the back of his neck and it made him relax even further into his hold. 

“Not well,” TK admitted and glanced to see if his dad had any reaction. “But he isn’t a stranger either. I hooked up with him at the bar a week or so ago.”

“Do I know him?” TK felt bad they were still on the floor but at the same time he wasn’t ready to move from this spot. His dad did vaguely know Carlos and he had no idea if Carlos would be alright with the fire captain knowing he was fraternizing with one of his firefighters, especially his son. He had no idea if Carlos was out at the station or not and he would hate to out Carlos on accident. 

“You kinda know him. I can’t tell you who it is. I’m not ready to talk about him in detail. He’s…. Nice, I think. He seems nice.” TK bit his lip and tried not to let his thoughts spiral again. 

“It’s soon for you to be with someone,” His dad said mildly but he didn’t sound as angry as TK expected. “I think if you want to start a relationship with someone you should tell them about your past. Maybe not everything, but I think they need to be aware of your addiction if nothing else. TK, you can’t do hookups son, you understand that right?”

“Hook ups would be easier,” TK mumbled before sighing and nuzzling his dad’s neck feeling himself calm every time he inhaled his familiar scent. “He says he wants more than a hookup.”

“Do you like him baby?” His dad’s voice softened and TK knew that was all his dad really cared about in the end. If TK liked the boy and if the boy would treat him right. 

“I really do,” TK blushed and smiled when he remembered the brief moment waking up in Carlos’s warm, strong arms. He felt so safe and cared about and this time he didn’t think it was a false sense of security. “I’m just scared, Dad. I misjudged Alex so badly and I can’t -- I can’t go through that again. I can’t-” His breathing quickened as he thought about the kind of pain he had endured in the last two months and what he had lost.

“The only good thing about making mistakes is that we learn from them. I know Alex was awful to you and you don’t know how much I would like to cause bodily harm to that disgusting human being. He was your first serious relationship and as much as what he did to you hurt, you also learned a lot.” His dad stroked his hair softly and TK finally felt himself relax fully and he let himself believe his dad wasn’t nearly as angry as he had anticipated. “Can we move this party to the couch?” 

TK flushed and nodded as he stumbled to his feet and extended a hand to help his dad up from the floor. He felt a warmth rush over him as his dad kept their hands joined together as they slowly walked into the kitchen that was attached to the living room. His dad opened a cupboard next to the sink to bring down a large bottle and a glass. TK flushed yet again as he gazed at the reminder that sometimes he acted even less like his age when his brain decided to stress himself out to an unhealthy standard. 

“Go get settled on the couch, baby,” His dad said softly as he noticed where TK’s eyes lingered without comment. “I’ll be right there. I’m going to cancel your appointment for today, but you’re absolutely going to the next one no ifs ands or buts, okay?”

“That’s fair,” TK mumbled, trying to not let the self hatred creep in for how he acted. It always happened once he calmed down from one of his episodes. Once the uncalled for panic passed he always felt humiliated afterward no matter who was around. He knew he was too old to cling to his dad the way he did time after time. When his mind wasn’t spinning in a panic he knew his dad wouldn’t leave, but so often his mind wasn’t capable of thinking in a rational pattern with little to no notice. 

His dad walked into the room with a bottle of milk in his hand and a large blanket in the other. They had done this at least a dozen times and it was one of TK’s favorite routines when they both had the time. He knew he needed it after the last twenty-four hours he had been through and that if he didn’t find a way to decompress he would suffer more than necessary. His dad settled on one end of the couch and gazed at him fondly. 

“It’s okay,” He assured him softly, familiar with the thoughts that always came after a melt down. “It’s just the two of us here and I’m never going to mind holding my baby boy when he needs it. No matter how old he is.”

TK was silent as he crawled into his dad’s lap once again and settled his head against the strong chest that sometimes felt like the only unchanging thing in his life. He sighed softly as his dad brought the blanket up to tuck around him and brought an arm securely around his back. The bottle was lifted to his lips and as much as TK wanted to resist he knew part of him loved the simple soothing act of sucking on the nipple of the bottle as warm milk doused with cinnamon and vanilla hit his tongue. Normally they did this after a nightmare when TK couldn’t fall back asleep and the warm milk soothed him back into more pleasant dreams. He let his eyes slip closed as his dad put on some show to occupy himself while pressing an occasional kiss to his head. He felt safe and secure in every way possible and despite having slept last night at Carlos’s without nightmares he still fell easily to sleep once more 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys the response for this story has been so amazing and I can't believe you guys like the bullshit my brain comes up with while I'm falling asleep. I'm writing consistently now believe it or not but this is the last prewritten chapter so we'll see how that goes. This chapter is a good one and has lots of Judd and TK bonding time which is some of my fav to write. 
> 
> TW FOR THIS CHAPTER This chapter contains talk of suicide and suicide attempts as well as suicide ideation. I try not to dwell on these dark subjects but they are part of the last section of the chapter. Just please be safe guys and pay attention to your feelings and what you can handle. It's an important conversation I feel but definitely can read the story without it. TK is me projecting so I'm sorry if it feels inaccurate to anyone or upsets anyonel 
> 
> The further we get into season 2 the more AU this story feels, but it's probably going to stay that way. I'm planning to include some things from season 1 I promise and we'll see about season 2 when I get there. 
> 
> Hope you guys like this chapter and if you miss the Tarlos it's coming on strong next chapter I promise that!!! 
> 
> Happy Reading :)

“You’re on the couch?” TK woke to his dad’s voice sounding sad and disappointed. It was a few weeks later after his spectacular meltdown in the foyer. He was still talking to Carlos, though their days off hadn’t matched up since the night they spent together so TK hadn’t seen the officer in person besides on a call here and there. The consistent texts helped him not to feel insecure and most of the time Carlos sent pretty hilarious commentary on the people he encountered during the day. It didn’t seem as though he had messed anything up when it came to Carlos even though it was driving his dad crazy a little not knowing who it was making him smile like that. 

“I thought two nightmares were enough for one night,” TK said around a yawn as he rubbed his eyes. Nightmares were far from new for either of them, but he knew his father deserved to have some kind of decent sleep. He worked twice as hard as TK did most days on top of looking after him day after day. “I figured I could try and sleep out here.”

“You do have a bed in your room,” HIs dad reminded him as he perched on the couch next to him. “Not that I think you should have to deal with your bad dreams on your own.”

“They’re fucking stupid,” TK muttered, frustrated that his mind couldn’t give him a damn break for once. He shoved the blanket off of his legs and stretched his arms to the ceiling. “I’m just tired, but I’m ‘fine.” He blinked a few times before his brain registered that while his dad was awake at the usual time for a shift he was dressed in slacks and a button down shirt which was pretty unusual for him to don just to change at the station. Not to mention today was supposed to be their day off together. “Are you dressing up for someone?”

“I got an email this morning,” Owen looked away at the floor and TK knew instantly that whatever he was about to say he wasn’t going to like. “The training that was supposed to be on Monday got moved to today. I have to be in San Antonio at noon for the eight hour training seminar.”

“Oh,” TK felt disappointment sink in that his dad had to leave today. He had been looking forward to a day without anxiety since his dad would be right here with him. Monday would have been somewhat better since he had a shift and that would distract him enough to keep most of the awful feelings at bay. Now he would be stuck here all alone since he purposefully hadn’t made plans with anyone to spend the day with his dad. What on earth was he going to do for twelve hours to keep himself from the anxiety attack that was sure to follow his dad leaving?

“So I called Judd,” His dad continued while he silently went over in his head just how badly his day was about to go. It took a moment for that sentence to sink in and when it did his gaze snapped to his dad once again. 

“You did what now?” It was one thing to bother Judd with his disorder at the station and ask him to help out while they were both at work. They all valued their days off to be with their families since their time was so limited as it was. 

“I called Judd to spend some time with you today,” His dad was still acting like that was something okay to ask of a fellow first responder that probably saw his wife one day a week if he was lucky. 

“Dad, it’s one thing to ask him to do that stuff at work, but this is another level. I’ve dealt with you being gone before and it sucks but I just have to get through it.” TK felt his face flush at what Judd had thought about a twenty-six year old needing some kind of babysitter. 

“Would you honestly rather stay here and torture yourself all day? I know we can text, but that’s not the same if you need someone. I can’t do much from two hours away.” His dad perched on the coffee table and a glance at the clock said his dad would disappear for the day in less than twenty minutes. He would be gone until at least ten tonight and that was twelve hours away. His dad would be gone all day where absolutely anything could happen to him. He could get mugged or the building could collapse or his heart could give out or he could be hit by a car walking to get a coffee on the other side of the street. Being a first responder meant that TK had seen each of these scenarios happen to people that were never expecting it. People lost their parents or their siblings or their loved ones with no warning at all. It had happened to him at nine years old when his mother had left without even saying goodbye to him and then again at eighteen when Lauren had decided she couldn’t live under the same roof as a gay man and left him as well. TK knew it happened to people, that goodbyes sometimes never happened. He just didn’t think he could live through another one. He knew why he had the horrible anxiety when his dad left his sight, but he knew at the same time that it was far from rational thinking. None of them were guaranteed tomorrow, but nobody else went into a panic when their loved ones went about their day the way they needed to. 

“I don’t want you to go,” The words were spoken quietly and against his will. He knew the words would do nothing except make his dad have that pinched look of guilt by his eyes. He couldn’t not go to a mandatory training because his grown son whined for him not to go. He had to do his job and sometimes that involved trainings a city or two away. He should be more than used to it by now but he was still sitting here with his heart pounding against his rib cage and the endless worry that would drive him crazy until his dad returned safe and sound. 

“I know you don’t, bud,” His dad was endlessly kind when this happened and he pressed a hand to his cheek gently. “That’s why I had to call Judd even if it was our day off. You’ll do nothing more than drive yourself crazy by yourself all day long. I thought Judd could hang out for a couple of hours during the day and you could see if your guy you’ve been seeing is free tonight?”

“So he can think I’m a clingy freak and run for the hills?” TK muttered and nuzzled his dad’s hand while clenching his hands into fists so he wouldn’t cling onto his dad like he used to when he was little. 

“Then he isn’t the right guy for you if he can’t understand that you have a mental health disorder and that you can’t control the way your mind reacts to things. He might distract you enough that you don’t think about me at all, hm? It’s worth a try I think. Judd should be over soon after I leave so you won’t be alone long.” His dad leaned forward to kiss his forehead and it was time for him to leave. TK took a shaky breath and tried to muster up a true smile as his dad walked out the door to his car. He pulled his knees up to his chest as he listened to the car start up and back down the drive. He repeated in his mind a couple dozen times that his dad would come back before he was able to slowly reach forward and flick the TV on. He wondered what the hell he would even do with Judd Ryder outside of the firehouse. He hoped Judd wouldn’t drag him out to eat because he already knew he wouldn’t be able to eat today while his dad was gone. He partly wished he had gotten up early today to have breakfast before the news was given so he wouldn’t worry everyone with not eating. 

The knock on the door startled him out of his stupor of staring blankly at the TV screen and it wasn’t until a second round of sharp knocks came that TK was prompted to get up from the couch and remember that Judd must be at the door. He chewed on the string of his hoodie as he made his way to the door and opened it to see Judd’s large frame blocking out the sunlight. The first thing that caught his attention was the cowboy boots on Judd’s feet which was startling enough before his eyes trailed up a dark pair of jeans and a button up plaid shirt and the only thing missing to make the cowboy look complete was the wide brimmed hat. 

“Uh, hey,” TK blinked a few times and tried not to act as surprised as he felt at Judd’s choice of clothes. 

“Hey yourself,” Judd grinned at him and bumped his shoulder gently as he came inside making TK grin slightly. Maybe this wasn’t about to be all bad. “It’s a bummer your dad had to go to that training all day.”

“Yeah,” TK ignored the twinge of pain as he remembered his dad was driving farther and farther away as the minutes crept by. He couldn’t even hope for a text for another hour since he didn’t want to distract him while he was driving. “I’m sorry he called you and all of that. I’m sure you had plans.”

“Grace is having a girl’s day with her sisters,” Judd rolled his eyes as he gazed with interest around their kitchen and living room. “She didn’t seem to care that it was my day off so honestly you saved me from a day of boredom. I have something planned that I can almost promise you will take your mind off of everything else going on in your life. At least that’s what it does for me every single time.”

“What’s that? Does it involve a large bottle of whiskey?” Alcohol was the only thing in his experience that made him forget about his life and the endless worrying he did on a day to day basis. 

“No, sorry to burst your bubble. We’re going to go ride some trails. My brother owns a huge ranch not far from here and I can take the horses out for a ride anytime I want. His kids used to ride them, but the oldest two are off at college now and the younger doesn’t ride as much as she used to. “ You could easily tell how much Judd loves his family by the huge grin on his face simply talking about them. He had wished for a sibling many times when he was growing up. He always thought it would be easier having someone to talk to about the hard times and to understand what you were going through. Judd was lucky to have a brother he could speak so fondly about. 

“Let me get this straight,” TK raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “You want me to not only go outside on my day off which isn’t something I typically do, but you want me to also ride a horse? I think I had a pony ride when I was a kid and I can’t remember liking it all that much. I’ve never even been near a horse in my life.”

“Come on city boy,” Judd teased him with an amused grin playing at the corners of his mouth. “Get your hands dirty for a change. Horses are great animals and I swear to you every single time I get on one the rest of the world absolutely disappears. It’s relaxing and it can be a lot of fun. Let me teach you how to ride. If you try it and you hate it we don’t have to do it again, scout’s honor.”

“How do I know you were ever a scout?” TK grumbled before sighing and thinking that he might as well give it a try. It would at least be something new he had never done before if nothing else. Plus, if it really would get rid of his intrusive obsessive thoughts for any amount of time he was definitely game to give it a try. 

It didn’t take as long to get out of the city to a place where there was no civilization for miles around as it did in New York. Austin was populated enough, but it seemed more condensed than back home did since in less than half an hour they were pulling into the gravel drive of a ranch, but that word didn’t really compute with the picturesque scene in front of him. When TK thought of a ranch he thought of a run down place covered in dust with animals running amok all over the place. This place had a beautiful sloping lawn leading up to a large white barn with open doors. TK could see what could be an indoor ring where people were already riding beautiful horses like it was easier than walking. He grinned when he saw a few dogs trotting around happily between people mingling around. There was an outdoor ring that was empty and the place felt so peaceful away from the busy city. It was very different from what he was used to and it did make his mind a little less busy he would admit. 

“I’m going to see what horses we can take for the afternoon,” Judd told him, nodding toward a wall of windows which held an office. “Feel free to look around a bit and I’ll be right back.”

“Right, okay,” TK felt extremely out of his element as he slowly got out of the truck and as he slowly walked closer to the fence and the horse grazing with its tail flicking side to side lazily got much bigger all of a sudden. The horse grazing even TK could admit was absolutely breathtaking in its beauty. The top of the horse’s back came to his shoulder with grey speckled into the white hair and the mane and tail a light grey as well. The horse paused in its grazing to look over at him for a long moment before determining he wasn’t any kind of threat and resuming the grazing peacefully. TK wished he could find that kind of peace somehow. He wished his mind would just let him rest and enjoy the moment. He couldn’t remember the last time he was able to sit and enjoy a moment simply for what it was. Since he had been a child he had always been so worried about the future and what would come next. He would always worry about what would happen next and how it would affect everything else. He glanced at his phone and realized his dad would be at his training by now but he hadn’t texted yet. He should leave his dad alone just for the twelve hours until he would be back home. He shouldn’t be so clingy to demand his attention at all times. He should have faith that his dad made it there just fine and he had become distracted and swept up with the training. There is no reason his dad wasn’t perfectly fine right now. 

He bit his lip, but in the end he couldn’t help the compulsion to send a text to his dad to make sure he had gotten there safely and see what he was up to. 

“You like Teddy?” Judd seemed to appear from nowhere and TK was broken from his musings and he gripped his phone tightly, waiting for the vibration that would notify him when he got an answer. 

“Who’s Teddy?” TK asked dumbly as he tried to focus his mind on Judd in front of him rather than what was happening with his dad. 

“The gorgeous horse you’ve been staring at,” Judd chuckles with a smirk as he nodded over to the peaceful horse a few feet away. “We can take him on a ride. He’s not scheduled for any lessons this afternoon. I’m probably going to get Monty from the barn and ride him. He’s one of the first horses we had on the ranch. He’s one of my favorite boys.”

“Judd,” TK’s voice was smaller the longer his phone stayed silent. He was already wary of riding one of these huge animals, but he knew there was no way he could concentrate on learning how to handle and ride a horse before he knew his dad was okay. He knew it was stupid how worried he was and how his stomach constantly felt as though it was lodged in his throat until he got that return text. 

“What can I do, bud? What’s up?” Judd came closer to frame TK’s shoulders in his large hands and it seemed like he was just waiting for TK to indicate he wanted help. He didn’t seem impatient or annoyed that TK couldn’t manage to focus on what they were there for. TK leaned his back against the wooden fence and hoped it wouldn’t give out under his weight. At least this time he wasn’t about to cry, but he still felt his heart racing in a painful rhythm against his ribcage. 

“He hasn’t answered,” TK held up his phone weakly and felt stupid as ever for his worry. “I just wanted to know if he got there okay, but he hasn’t answered me. I can’t… I want to ride or whatever, but I can’t until he tells me he’s alright.”

“First off I’m more than sure he’s just fine,” Judd said soothingly and before TK could protest he continued in the same soft, soothing voice nobody would guess him capable of. “I get that you won’t be able to concentrate until he answers though, which I’m sure he will any minute. We can just hang out by the field until he answers and you want to move forward, okay? Or I can show you around and distract you a little but we don’t have to get on a horse until you’re okay with it.”

“I…” TK wasn’t sure if he needed a distraction right now or if that would be too much. He glanced down at his black screen before lighting it with a press of a button and feeling his stomach sink when his notification bar sat empty. His dad had a good reason not to answer he was sure. It just made him crazy without that extra confirmation that he was fine. He was so distracted by the screen and his own thoughts that when a rough nudge came to the back of his shoulder he almost pitched forward face first in the grass. He turned to see Teddy was by the fence now with his head hanging over the fence and looking at TK like he expected something from him. 

Judd was laughing and grinning as he came over to stroke the beautiful creature’s neck softly. “I think your friend was tired of you ignoring him.”

“He was all the way over there!” TK protested but he felt a smile of his own starting as he came closer, only to be attacked by a large head nudging his shoulder again. He couldn’t explain the laugh that bubbled up but those large grey eyes made him feel like things might be okay. He held his hand out slowly as he stepped closer still and Teddy nuzzled his hand before he got the courage to pet him. He stroked the velvet nose softly and felt himself fall in love just a little with this animal who seemed to choose him as someone to instantly love. He had always been fond of animals, normally dogs, but they had never been able to have one in the city. He wondered if his dad would be open to getting a dog now that they lived in a house rather than a high rise. 

But then the dog would die and TK would get hopelessly attached and he had enough problems. Still, it would be nice to have a pet. A pet may die in the end, but they would never leave him.

His phone finally buzzed in his hand and TK felt unquestionable relief at the confirmation from his dad that he had gotten to his training, even if he had gotten lost for a little while over which building it was in. He sent a string of emojis followed by encouraging him to enjoy time with Judd and they would text in a couple of hours when he got a break for dinner. TK felt something in him relax at last. 

“I”m sorry,” TK sighed as he pet Teddy’s neck and felt Judd watching him. “I don’t mean to be this way. It really is a disorder. I hate that I get so uptight over something so….small, but I just have to live with it.”

“No harm done, kid, don’t worry,” Judd offered him a smile and TK tried to feel better but the lingering feeling about how pathetic he was lingered persistently in the back of his mind. It didn’t take long for them to take a quick tour of the barn and to get the horses ready to be ridden. Teddy seemed to be an affectionate horse and playfully kept rubbing his head against TK whenever the opportunity arose. Judd taught him the basics of brushing a horse and cleaning out the hooves which was harder than it looked when TK tried to coax the horse to lift up one of his feet. Then there were saddle pads and saddles before it got to the bridle and the best way to put it in the horse’s mouth smoothly. Judd was consistently patient with teaching him and seemed endlessly amused as TK fumbled his way through the steps until at last they were both leading their horses to the outdoor ring. Judd expertly tied his horse to the fence before giving TK a boost into his own saddle. 

He didn’t know how something like this was about to clear his head from his ongoing problems and obsessive thoughts he couldn’t hope to control. He was certainly distracted being this far up from the ground but once he got used to this what was going to keep his mind from spiraling like it always did endlessly? 

He couldn’t help but admit that it was fun to walk around on the back of a horse even if it was certainly something to get used to the horse’s gait. Judd stayed on the ground to walk him through what to do to make the horse go forward and how to make him stop. It took some time but eventually they moved up to a trot which was the strangest thing TK had ever experienced as he bounced around on the back of a horse. Judd shouted out encouragement and tips on how to make it feel smoother and after a while TK felt like he got the hang of it. Just when he was starting to feel pretty tired and sore Judd said they were going to move up one more step to a canter. TK had no idea what this meant or if it was going to be easier or harder than everything they had already done. He wasn’t ready to call uncle yet so he let Judd walk him through to a trot once again and then he squeezed his heels once more into the horse’s side and suddenly everything Judd said earlier made sense.

A canter was what you could call a horse running leisurely and it was much smoother than the trot was. TK picked up the rhythm of it much more quickly and it sent a thrill through him he didn’t get to feel very often anymore and most often he only felt it when he was about to fuck something up in his career by doing some stupid stunt. He did indeed feel all his thoughts leave his head as the horse seemed to fly around the arena with TK only a passenger. Judd was grinning at him and urged him to put his shoulders back for a better center of gravity. It was only a few moments but it was the best moments of TK’s week, before he was coming down to a walk once more and Judd was finally getting up on his own horse. Apparently the lessons were over and it was time to ride.

“You up for some trails?” Judd asked him as he circled his horse around TK. “Or have I worn you out city boy?”

“Let’s do it,” TK was tired it was true, but he also felt better than he ever expected when his father had told him he would be gone for the day. He followed Judd to some trails and found himself enjoying the peace only nature could bring and it wasn’t until they finally stopped on a high plateau that TK had a chance to check his watch and come to the sinking conclusion he still had eight hours until his dad came home and he tried to ignore the twisting in his stomach. He looked around them and it hit him that if he had gotten his way back in New York he never would have seen anything like this. He had wanted his life to end, permanently. He would have never met the crew at the 126 and never felt the way Carlos seemed to light his entire existence on fire with one touch. He would have let Alex be the last man to touch him. He would have hurt his dad past recognition. If his plan had worked he wouldn’t be here right now and that hit like a punch to the gut. Some days he still thought that the world would be better off without him and even more often he wished he wouldn’t have to deal with the emotional turmoil that came with his anxiety disorder and the easiest way to make his brain shut up was to cease existing. It wasn’t healthy and his dad had no idea just how often he wondered what it would be like to no longer exist. It would break his heart if he knew, and TK would do anything to make sure he never found out the truth of how dark his thoughts got more often than he would willingly admit.

“What’s on your mind, city boy?” Judd asked him quietly after a few moments of silence. TK glanced over to see his friend patting the neck of the chestnut horse he was on. Teddy was casually grazing since there was nothing else to hold his attention. TK figured he owed Judd honesty with all that the other man was doing for him. He also had a mental disorder from what he gathered after the debate against hiring him. Judd had faced hell this year as well and seemed to be more or less okay now. TK would never try to imply he was some guru on mental health, but ever since his own diagnosis mental illnesses had always fascinated him. He found it interesting how the mind could be as ill as the physical body and how it needed its own set of treatment and care. 

“Did your PTSD ever come with depression?” TK asked quietly as he started to pick at the skin by his nails. He knew the question was a greatly personal one and that Judd Ryder wasn’t someone known to easily share his feelings. Maybe the question was mostly a stupid one. Who wouldn’t be depressed after losing their entire family? TK had learned over the years that a fire family was no different than the one you were related to by blood. 

“I've had my share of dark days,” Judd was still looking at him carefully and to his credit the other man didn’t seem too off put by the question. “Grace kept me sane through it most of the time. I would never have gotten through without her.” 

“After Alex,” TK still had to pause after saying that name. It stung the way his left knee sometimes did when it was particularly cold or he had bent it for too long. He wasn’t sure how long Alex would flare up like an old injury, but right now the sting still made him pause and take a deep breath. “My world got pretty dark after I was left sitting in that restaurant. I don’t remember getting back to my apartment. It just felt like that was one thing too much on top of everything else I dealt with day to day. My crew back in New York, well there wasn’t anyone like you Judd. They thought I was a daddy’s boy without even knowing about the real problems behind it. They resented me for being the captain’s son and never let me forget that I was likely only there because he was the boss. They mostly ignored me and I never got out of being a probie even after I wasn’t the new guy anymore. Alex was the person I would text when they would treat me like dirt. He was the only person I ever saw besides my dad and soon enough I was just as attached to him as I was to my dad. It wasn’t healthy that he was my entire world, but I don’t know how to love someone any other way. Things were weird between us but I never imagined there was someone else after I did fucking everything-” TK cut himself off when he felt the lump rise in his throat and his nail beds were bleeding by now. 

“You weren’t stupid or naive to not know there was someone else. Most people would never guess something like that. You weren’t to know he fell for someone else kid, don’t blame yourself for what he did. “ Judd said softly and TK hoped he wasn’t bored of his sob story. He was truly trying to get to a point. 

“I told my dad it was simply an overdose,” TK felt guilt tear through him at the only lie he had ever told his father. “He asked me if I was trying to kill myself and I lied to his face. I didn’t want to live without Alex. I didn’t want to move on. If he didn’t want me then I felt like I had no purpose. I knew when I opened my eyes that I was stuck here and I didn’t want to be locked up in a psych ward so I lied to the one person who hasn’t left me. I can’t say my thoughts haven’t wandered to what it would be like to not be here anymore. I just… Seeing nature like this made me realize what I would have missed out on had things worked out the way I wanted. I never would have met the 126 or anyone else in Austin. Everything just gets so overwhelming and I hate the way I obsess and make myself miserable and my dad guilty. It’s just weird sometimes, living when you so desperately wanted to die. It’s a bittersweet feeling when you look back on it.” TK shyly looked over at Judd and shrugged at his wide gaze. “You asked what I was thinking and I figured you deserve honesty.”

“TK,” Judd rarely used his given name since he normally called him some variation of kid or bud or some other innocent nickname that made him feel cared about. He knew what he said was basically confessing an attempted suicide and that he didn’t fully appreciate the fact that he had failed. He was lucky if Judd didn’t report him to their captain after such a confession. He would be subjected to any psych evaluations and benched from calls until further notice. It was more or less his worst nightmare but he trusted Judd to understand. “I am so glad you made it here. I’m glad we met and that you’re part of my life.”

“So you can be stuck babysitting me?” TK muttered but it must have been loud enough to Judd to hear him in the quiet surrounding them. 

“You-” Judd cleared his throat harshly and TK’s gaze snapped over to see Judd blinking and looking up to the sky. He felt awful that he let his negative thoughts affect Judd like this. He knew Judd was one of the best men he had ever met in his life. He had a heart of gold and wanted to do right by as many people as he could. He loved fiercely and protected those he loved with all he had. “You are not some kind of burden to spend time with. I know all you see are your flaws kid, but trust me when I tell you I wasn’t dragging my feet to pick you up this morning. Being there for you… You have no idea what that does for me. I had a little brother. We were far enough apart in age that I never wanted him tagging along after me when we were growing up, but he wanted nothing more than to spend time with me all the time. He was the baby of the family so the rest of us always assumed he was spoiled. He was in college when I was already with the 126 and married to Grace. I was so wrapped up in this life I made for myself that I never made time to call him back. I assumed he just wanted to whine about his classes or some shit. Stupid teenage drama that doesn’t leave even in college and the like. I didn’t think I had time for it. I never made time for it. He ended up killing himself his sophomore year of college.” TK drew in a sharp breath and immediately felt awful saying a damn thing to Judd. He didn’t mean to bring up those memories. 

“Judd, oh God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean-” TK started to ramble before Judd held up a hand.

“I hope I get a second chance to help someone. I know you aren’t my little brother, but in so many ways you are a little like him. You see yourself in a uniquely negative way that you have a hard time seeing past. I’m glad you told me, told someone. I’m here for you kid because I want to be, not out of some obligation for work. You can call me whenever you need me and I can promise you I will answer no matter what time it is or where I’m at. I know you’ve got your dad, but sometimes there are things that are too hard to involve your parents in. I get that, trust me.”

“I wish I could hug you,” TK found his eyes watering a bit at the heartfelt proclamation from his teammate and friend. He was truly lucky they had found Judd and kept him in the 126 family. “If I get off this horse I’m not sure my legs won’t collapse. I had no idea just how many muscles I had in my legs before today let me tell you.”

Judd wiped at his eyes and chuckled. “That’s fair. If you want to keep riding I can tell you that you get used to it.”

“Thanks for all of this,” TK told him as his hand wandered to stroke the soft hair of the horse beneath him. “It did help to not think of everything else today. This was great.”

“I have good ideas now and then,” Judd teased with a fond grin. TK’s attention was stolen by his pocket vibrating and he pulled out his phone to have his heart skip a beat when Carlos’s name popped up on the screen. He hadn’t heard from him in a couple of days and his insecure mind told him Carlos had already had enough of him for a lifetime. It was a sweet message saying that he had missed TK this week and inviting him to the local fair that was going on this weekend as a way to make it up to him for being so busy. Carlos had no obligation to him whatsoever. They were friends at best, but then again TK had never felt simple friendship when he had been around the officer. When he was with Carlos he didn’t feel broken or like he was a mess. He felt like Carlos could actually handle him in any capacity. 

“Care to share what that grin is about? I’ve never seen you smile like that.” Judd clicked quietly to the horse and TK followed suit after sending back a message telling Carlos that a fair sounded fun. 

“I don’t know if you’re ready for that kind of brotherly secret,” TK fought a laugh as Judd tossed a glare over to him while looking intrigued.

“Another secret we keep from dad?” Hearing Judd refer to his captain as dad made TK laugh harder than it should have. He did want to tell someone about Carlos, and maybe Judd could give him some kind of reassurance that the officer was really the kind of man he seemed to be. 

“He sort of knows,” TK took a deep breath and the part of him crushing like a schoolboy on Carlos was so excited to gush about him to someone other than his own head. “I’ve been seeing someone, sort of.”

“Not sure I’m loving the sound of that,” Judd said with a small frown. “What does sort of even mean?”

“It’s not… We’re not anything, but we’re dabbling?” TK thought that was the best word for what they were doing. “He’s really great, but I can’t do casual because my attachment disorder won’t let me. At the same time I’m terrified of getting involved with someone again. I don’t know if I’d survive someone else leaving, I really don’t. It’s too hard.”

“Judging by that grin you aren’t unattached,” Judd gave him a look that said he didn’t disapprove, but he wasn’t sure TK knew what the hell he was doing. “Who’s the mystery man? I’m guessing that’s the part your dad doesn’t know?”

“It’s Carlos Reyes,” TK admitted and felt a wave of butterflies in his stomach. His name rolled so smoothly off his tongue and somehow felt right in his mouth. Judd immediately grinned and TK took that as a good sign. 

“Good old Carlos,” Judd said with a chuckle. “He’s a good pick, yeah?”

“Do you know him well?” TK was hoping Judd could let him into a preview of Carlos Reyes so he wouldn’t have to discover everything as it came. “He seems so...perfect. He’s kind and considerate and patient. I mean, who is that hot and also one of the best people I have ever met?”

“Carlos is just a basic kind human being, kid,” Judd said kindly and TK was immediately reminded of the morning he woke up in Carlos’s room and the officer had asked if his ex had made him think he wasn’t worth basic decency. Alex had never gone out of his way to be kind to TK unless it benefited him. 

“I’m not sure anything about Carlos is basic,” TK muttered and just picturing those dark brown eyes sent a flutter of butterflies to scramble around in his stomach. 

“I’ve known Carlos for quite some time now,” Judd answered his first question without any further comment about how he was used to being treated. “He truly is a good man, one of the best cops I know in or out of the uniform. He’s pretty friendly with Grace and that woman has judgement I would trust without a doubt. I’m glad that if you’re, how did you put it, dabbling with someone that it’s a guy like him. He’ll do whatever he can not to hurt you. What are you kids getting up to tonight?”   
  


“We’re going to check out the fair,” TK hadn’t been to a fair since he was a kid and his dad used to take a bunch of them once in a while. He might have gone once as a teenager, but certainly not with a boyfriend before though it had been one of his fantasies when having a boyfriend had been nothing more than a daydream. 

“Good, you’ll have fun,” Judd grinned at him before falling silent. TK was lost in thoughts of Carlos and their date that night that he didn’t even realize his dad had been gone for six hours by now and he was surprisingly okay. He had felt a few moments of anxiety, but overall he was coping better than he had in years. 

Maybe this Austin family could help him after all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TK and Carlos spend a night at the fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW you guys are amazing and the love for this story is off the charts!!! Thank you so much for all of your kind words. So Carlos's background is the way it is in my head and ignores the show completely. I also realized Judd's background is completely AU now too but I like mine. Carlos is his usual sweetheart self and don't worry he will be in the loop of what's happening soon. Now I have an excuse to rewatch season one which I enjoyed so much more than season two for some reason. I'm not feeling this current season as much. 
> 
> Slight trigger for an anxiety attack but noting too bad this time. 
> 
> Please leave a comment if you'd like. 
> 
> Happy Reading

By the time TK heard the Camaro pull into the driveway he had changed his shirt four times. This felt like a date even if neither of them had called it a date. Judd hadn’t said Carlos was seeing someone and in a town like Austin TK felt like that was something the older man would know if Carlos was close with his wife. He was only seeing TK and TK was only seeing Carlos. Thinking about getting close to someone again still sent a grip of panic tearing through him, but then again he couldn’t even dream of saying no to a night at the fair with the officer. He had let his dad know where he was going and got a few texts back before the conference must have started up again and he disappeared. He didn’t know how to act with someone he was just sleeping with as of now. Carlos hadn’t asked him to be his boyfriend, and TK wouldn’t know what to say if he did. He had never done casual before, and like his dad said it was probably a terrible idea. He knew he was already attached to Carlos and that even now he wouldn’t take it very well if he walked away. 

A knock echoed in the quiet house and TK jumped at the noise since he had been so lost in his thoughts. He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath to quell at least some of the nerves. He was wearing a stupid collared shirt with a sweater puled over it in case it got cold. It wasn’t really his style, but a hoodie wasn’t something for date night. Alex had taught him that more than once. 

“Hey Carlos,” TK said as he pulled the door open to see the latino man standing on his doorstep with a rose in his hand and a grin on his face. His heart melted at the sight of a rose held loosely between Carlos’s fingers presumably just for him. Not for the first time TK silently prayed that Carlos might truly be different. He prayed and wished that Carlos wouldn’t end up being another goodbye. 

“TK, it’s good to see you,” Carlos said warmly and didn’t hesitate to bring him into a hug. The warmth from the gesture seemed to seep into his bones. “I’m so sorry it’s taken me almost two weeks to see you again.”

“First responder life,” TK let out a sigh as he rested his cheek on Carlos’s shoulder and kissed his neck lightly. 

“Where’s your hoodie? I never see you without one?” Carlos questioned as their embrace ended and Carlos looked him over. “You look stunning don’t get me wrong, just not much like the TK I’m getting to know.”

“I t-thought this was a d-date and so a hoodie w-would be…” TK stuttered helplessly as Alex’s voice echoed in his head every time he had gone out dressed in a cozy hoodie and gotten heavily lectured. Alex had liked to dress him up in tight jeans and tight shirts that always showed off more than TK ever liked others to see. Call it too many nights in clubs with guys groping him but tight clothing only got him the attention he didn’t want. He had hated the clothes Alex liked him in, but he did like to see the grin Alex shot him and the way Alex used to show him off when he did dress the way his ex approved of. 

“This is absolutely a date,” Carlos assured him and TK felt his cheeks tinge pink. It had taken so long for Alex to admit they were dating and yet Carlos was here easily and proudly saying that was exactly what he wanted. “But date attire is whatever will make you comfortable and happy, okay?”

“I wanted to look nice for you,” TK mumbled as he took the rose and inhaled deeply. The sweet smell calmed him a little as well as Carlos coming inside and softly shutting the door. 

“You do that just by waking up in the morning,” Carlos teased with a wink. “If you want us to dress up and go out to a fancy dinner we absolutely will, but this is a fair and hoodies are more than welcome. I like you in whatever you wear. If you want to wear a hoodie I am okay with it I promise.” 

“I’m-” TK was going to not believe Carlos at face value as usual, but his mind firmly reminded him that he couldn’t make the same mistakes. He had to believe Carlos was different than Alex, that he wasn’t going to end up alone again. He had to start believing what people said instead of trying to read minds. “Mind if I grab one?”

“I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave,” Carlos shooed him towards the stairs with a smirk on his face. TK laughed a little as he hurried to his room to grab a hoodie he hadn’t stained or chewed the strings too badly. It was a new one his dad had gotten for him right before they moved in a deep red color that he thought looked good. He hurried back downstairs to see Carlos scrolling on his phone and his profile was enough to make TK drool and once again he marveled that he had gotten so lucky. 

“S-sorry to make you wait,” TK wished the stutter he got when he was nervous or anxious would go away. Alex had always hated the annoying stutter and Alex’s friends used to mock him when they went out in a group. Looking back TK wondered how on earth he stayed in a relationship like that for so long. 

“The fair isn’t going anywhere at least for the weekend,” Carlos didn’t hesitate to put his phone away and shoot him a smile that made his heart flutter. “You look much more comfortable in that. You look good.”

“It’s just a hoodie,” TK mumbled as heat rose to his cheeks. He double checked that he had his wallet, phone and keys before he followed Carlos outside to the Camaro trying not to let the nerves set in too much at the reality that they were going on a real date. He couldn’t remember the last time a boy had picked him up and given him flowers to take him out and treat him well. Carlos seemed like he was almost trying to impress TK, and that thought was simply ridiculous. Carlos was the most impressive guy TK had met in his life without trying at all. 

Carlos smoothly opened the passenger door before TK reached it and their eyes met for a moment and as cliche as it sounded TK could have sworn the entire world disappeared for just a moment. He could focus on nothing except for how much he had missed looking into the officer’s kind eyes. He sent Carlos a small smile and felt his eyes slip closed as he breathed in a scent that was distinctly Carlos as he settled into the passenger seat. 

“So, when’s the last time you’ve been to a fair?” Carlos asked as he pulled out of the driveway and headed to their destination. 

The true answer to that was a time he couldn’t remember much of. Alex had wanted to go with his awful sister and her kids but TK hadn’t been feeling up to it after a shift but he had been bullied into getting high out of his mind and going anyway. He had ended up having some tripped out panic attack from all the bright lights that were making him dizzy as hell and Alex wouldn’t speak to him for days after that. He had been too embarrassed to tell his dad anything that had happened that night and it was when a small part of him had started to suspect that maybe Alex wasn’t as great as TK wanted him to be. 

He certainly couldn’t tell Carlos that when he was trying to make simple and light conversation.

“I was probably twelve the last time I had fun at a fair,” TK said honestly and fondly remembered the weekend his dad had gotten off and had had the energy to take him to the fair for the night. It had been one of the first times after 9/11 that he had felt like he was starting to get his dad back. 

“Fourteen years? Seriously?” Carlos looked like that was impossible and TK suspected he was the kind to go every year, in uniform or not. 

“Well, I’ve been plenty in uniform,” TK shrugged with a small smile at Carlos. “There’s always idiot people at fairs getting into trouble.” 

“I know that far too well,” Carlos agreed easily and TK found his gaze drawn to the hand Carlos had casually resting on the console between them. It would be so simple to reach out and take his hand, but were they there yet? Were they the kind of people that held hands in the car? This was a date Carlos had assured him, but it was a first date and TK had no idea how much Carlos liked physical touch. “I also normally go with my sisters and their kids when I can.”

“How many sisters do you have?” TK asked even as he continued to glance at those slender fingers and pictured them between his own. 

“I have three younger sisters,” Carlos was biting his lip as though he were trying not to laugh but TK had no idea what that was all about. “My twin sisters are Jayda and Mya and they’re twenty-five now. Jayda is married and has a daughter who is four now. Mya is still trying to figure out life and what she wants. My youngest sister is Sofia and she’s in college at UT.” 

“I always wanted siblings growing up,” TK commented, rubbing his fingers together and forcing himself to look up at Carlos’s face instead of his hand. “I thought things might have been easier if I had had siblings to understand everything.”

“It has pros and cons,” Carlos said before he sighed softly and started to laugh. “Baby, you can hold my hand. I’m not going to bite you.”

“Do you want me to hold your hand?” TK felt his face quickly heat up at being caught staring. He was so pathetic sometimes. He couldn’t even get up the courage to hold a guy’s hand anymore. What kind of damage had Alex really done to him?

“Any excuse to touch you I’ll gladly take,” Carlos reached over and slid his fingers through TK’s and once again it was almost a cliche how well their hands fit together. Alex’s hand had never felt so right in his mind in all the time they had been together. Alex’s hand had always been a little too big, dwarfing his and never fitting well. Carlos’s hand was slightly bigger, but in a way that made him feel safe the way he had since they had met. His hands were soft and Carlos rubbed his thumb over his gently causing a flutter in his heart. 

Soon enough they were at the Austin fair and the place was packed with people even this early in the evening. They had to separate their hands to get out of the car and TK immediately wanted the secure warmth back the second it was gone. He ruffled his hair as he stood waiting for Carlos to lock the car up. The smells were what hit him first and he was immediately brought back to childhood and stuffing his face full of cotton candy or funnel cakes. Before the divorce his mom had even come with them to the fair and ridden the rides with him. They had always loved seeing all the animals when TK started to feel a bit sick from the rides. His dad had put him on his shoulders to see over the crowd more than once while his mom had been terrified he would be jostled and dropped. 

It was such a bittersweet feeling.

A hand taking his own brought him out of the memory lane and TK had some hope that he could finally make a fully positive memory. Unless, of course, Carlos left him like the trend seemed to go in his life and then this night would become another night he would have to force himself to forget. TK sighed in frustration at his own negative thoughts and tried to take his therapist’s advice to try and manifest some positivity. He couldn’t live assuming the worst would happen or he would never be able to enjoy a single moment. 

“Where did you go?” A soft voice broke fully through his thoughts, but Carlos sounded nothing more than genuinely curious. TK blinked and tried not to become overwhelmed as the noise hit him full force as they walked closer to the fairgrounds. 

“I’m sorry, I get lost in my thoughts a lot. It’s a bad habit I have,” He squeezed Carlos’s hand softly in apology. “Are you a going on rides kind of guy?”

“The ferris wheel is required,” Carlos said solemnly, causing TK to crack a smile. “Also bumper cars must be ridden either together or separate.”

“You think the two of us are fitting into one bumper car?” TK asked as they made their way through the crowd to the ticket booth. “Also we must go on the Zipper so I get to hear you scream.”

“I’m sure you didn’t intend that as sinister as that sounded,” Carlos said with a laugh and TK felt a sense of pride to make the officer laugh like that. “But I agree to your terms.” 

So their night began and it wasn’t too long before TK forgot all about the past or the future since he was completely caught up in the present. Carlos made him laugh effortlessly and even more importantly he never let go of his hand or let him out of his sight. That sense of safety didn’t fade for one moment as the night went on. Carlos wouldn’t let him pay for a single thing no matter how much he protested that he could contribute. Carlos won him a stuffed animal or two as they walked around munching on sweets and TK blushed furiously even as he hugged the large purple octopus close to his chest happily. 

“Ferris wheel to wrap up the night?” Carlos asked him and TK made the fatal mistake of glancing at his watch to check what time it was. He was shocked to realize that it was already only two hours before his dad was due to be home. He also had a sinking realization that his dad hadn’t messaged once in the last three hours they had been here. Logically there were so many explanations for this. His dad knew he was at the fair with Carlos and probably didn’t want to bother him. His dad might want a break from him for one damn day in his life. He might be having a good time at the conference since he had that talent of making friends at the drop of a hat. There were a million logical reasons, and yet that ball of anxiety rose to high and so quickly it almost choked him. 

“I, uh,’ TK fumbled for words as the waves of anxiety crashed over him. He didn’t want Carlos to know about his crazy just yet. It was too much for a relationship and he would be devastated if Carlos walked away now. He was so kind and considerate and everything TK had dreamed of in a boyfriend. If he could just keep it together a little while longer he had a shot at a good thing here. “Bathroom break and then ferris wheel?”

“Deal, I’ll get in line since I can see from here it’s a mile long. I’ll meet you over there,” Carlos kissed his cheek softly before letting go of his hand and heading over to the winding line of people. TK didn’t want to be alone right now, but he had no choice if he wanted to keep Carlos around. He made his way past a few game booths to just outside the building for the bathrooms. He sank to the curb and buried his hands in his hair and pressed his forehead into his knees. His dad was probably starting his drive back to Austin now so he wouldn’t answer any messages before he got home. TK could call him but with the crowd around him they wouldn’t be able to hear one another anyways. He just had to keep his shit together for another couple of hours and everything would be fine. Carlos wouldn’t have to know how messed up he was and TK could hold onto him for a little while longer. 

He sniffed hard a few times to combat the burning behind his eyes. He tried to follow his therapist’s advice and use grounding techniques in the chaos around him. He slowly went through his senses to focus on what he could see, smell, hear, touch, and taste. He was grateful he was calm enough to use this technique because when he could use it the method worked pretty well for him. He pulled out his phone and decided to text Judd since the other firefighter had a greater chance of answering. 

_ Anxious as hell  _ read the first message he sent with no other explanation but his hands were shaking to type much more. He only had a few more minutes before he would need to go rejoin Carlos and fulfill teenage TK’s dream of riding the ferris wheel with the cutest boy he had met in his life. 

_ Take some deep breaths kiddo, are you still enjoying the fair? Carlos treating you well?  _ Judd’s reply came moments later and TK finally felt less alone. He knew Carlos would do whatever TK asked of him, but he didn’t want to explain it all in the middle of the fair. He was so glad Judd didn’t question why or tell him he was being stupid not to enjoy the moment. 

_ Still at the fair and about to get on the ferris wheel. Carlos is more than I could ever deserve.  _ The ending of that message was sappier than he intended, but also the first thing that came to mind. 

_ Your daddy will be home in a couple of hours and then this day will be over. You got through it like a champ and I’m proud of you  _ Judd’s message sent a surge of warmth through him. Judd was one of the only people in the world who remotely knew how hard today was for him. He sent back a simple thank you before pocketing his phone and going to find Carlos in the winding line leading up to the ferris wheel. It looked like he had come back just in time since they were due to go on in the next batch of people. TK felt bold enough to wrap his arms around Carlos’s waist from behind and press a kiss to his shoulder when he finally found him in between the crowd of families and couples littering the fairgrounds. 

“You made it just in time,” Carlos said happily as he wound an arm around TK’s shoulders and kissed him on the forehead. He pulled back and looked carefully over his face and TK felt himself flush a little under the intense gaze. He was grateful his anxiety hadn’t escalated into tears this time, but he had no doubt the observant dom would be able to tell he wasn’t all together fine. “Are you okay, baby?”

“I just had a moment of anxiety,” TK mumbled as he dropped his gaze down to their shoes. A hand quickly and gently cupped his chin and in a moment he found himself staring into Carlos’s dark eyes filled with as much kindness as ever. 

“Nothing wrong with that. Do you still want to ride the ferris wheel? I can take you home if you want and I promise I won’t be upset in the slightest.” TK felt a burning behind his eyes as once again it hit him how opposite of Alex Carlos really was and how much he loved this kind of treatment instead of what he was used to. Carlos wasn’t scoffing at him and telling him to suck it up and try to be normal. He genuinely didn’t seem upset TK was having a hard time from nothing obvious. 

“Are you even real?” TK muttered as he found himself hugging Carlos tightly and pressing his forehead into Carlos’s neck. He let himself take a minute to breathe in Carlos’s calming scent before answering the actual question Carlos had asked him. “I absolutely want to ride the ferris wheel with you. I’m fine now I promise.”

“Good. Have to fulfill all the high school fantasies I never really could in high school,” Carlos said with a chuckle with a kiss to his forehead. TK pulled away from the tight embrace but let the arm around his waist stay as they shuffled forward in the line slowly as one by one the carriages of the ride filled. 

“I made out with a guy behind the cotton candy stand in high school,” TK shrugged and then grinned as the grip around his waist tightened just the slightest bit. He had a feeling Carlos absolutely had a possessive side to him. “He got me back there by wanting to see if my lips were as sweet as they looked coated in blue cotton candy.”

Carlos laughed loudly at that causing some people to look over at the two of them. “The pick up lines we fall for in high school I’m telling you.”

“Are you saying that if I said that to you it wouldn’t work?” TK blinked as innocently as he could even as he hid a filthy smirk. 

“Now I just might have to buy some cotton candy on our way out.” Carlos squeezed his waist lightly as they shuffled forward once more. “Did you date a lot in high school then?”

“Nah, I mostly made out with boys now and then. I didn’t commit to anyone until A-Alex.” TK glanced nervously at Carlos, unsure if he was allowed to mention other men. Alex used to get so angry whenever TK used to bring up or joke about guys he had been with before. Even if none of those boys had been even remotely as serious as the relationship he had had with Alex, the jealousy manifested itself in anger most of the time. 

“I haven’t been serious with too many people either,” Carlos admitted and TK couldn’t detect any change in mood just because his ex’s name was brought up. 

“I’m special then?” The question was teasing and could easily be interpreted as a joke, but TK did long for someone to make him feel truly special after the truth had come out about Alex. He hated that that had all been one huge lie for a year. He hated how many memories were forced to mean nothing more than a mockery of what they were meant to be. 

“Oh absolutely baby,” Carlos grinned at him with a soft kiss pressed to his lips. “You’re very special. I told you I’ve never taken any other boy to the fair.” 

It was their turn to climb onto the ferris wheel and it was in the little things that made TK more and more sure that Carlos was different than anyone he had ever met before. He made sure to hold the carriage steady as TK climbed up slowly and got settled on the far side before climbing in himself. The ride worker made sure they were secured in before rotating the wheel for the next bunch of people to get on. Carlos raised an arm in invitation and TK didn’t hesitate to scoot close and let Carlos hold him close again. The night was developing a chill now and even through his hoodie TK was starting to feel it. 

“You never mention your mom,” Carlos said to break the silence and TK tried not to stiffen at the mention. His mom wasn’t the most painful subject in the world, but if he thought it all over too closely it still stung. Carlos seemed to sense the subject was a mistake as he looked at him. “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean to bring up anything awful. I was just curious about it. I could have been more tactful than that.”

“No you’re okay,” TK knew he had to start with his anxiety problems somewhere and Carlos gave him the perfect opportunity to start. “She’s mostly a neutral subject. My mom left when I was ten. My mom and dad couldn’t work things out after the towers fell and my dad became someone totally different for a while. She’s an attorney in Manhattan, though now she’s only in New York about a third of the year. She travels a lot for work. I think she’s in Milan right now for work.”

“Do you get to talk to her?” Carlos was running gentle fingers along his arm in comfort and it helped more than the other man could ever know. 

“Sometimes,” TK took a deep breath to shake away the feelings threatening to overwhelm him. “There are some things about me that she has a hard time accepting. She wants someone who can toughen up a little more and not be a crying baby so much of the time. I have problems…. She has a hard time accepting that. "

"I think that's one of the things I like most about you. " Carlos was looking carefully at him and TK had never seen someone look at him this soon into knowing him like he was something special. TK could easily admit that he had never felt like anyone special. "There is nothing wrong with being in touch with your emotions and expressing them. “

TK found himself speechless as Carlos put something he had always considered to be his biggest flaw in a positive light for the first time in his life. His dad never put him down about it, but he never was able to make it seem like such a positive. True Carlos didn’t have a clue what he was really talking about, but TK had a hunch even if he did it wouldn’t change what he said. “She’s always travelling so I don’t talk to her much. I miss her sometimes but it’s easier for everybody this way. My dad never talks to her or about her really. He always said she was the great love of his life that he had messed up.”

“My mom says the same thing about my dad, without so much of the self blame,” Carlos shared with a soft, wry chuckle. “My dad left when I was eighteen about the time I came out. For years I blamed myself for him leaving, but then eventually accepted the two events were no more than a coincidence rather than a cause and effect. It took a long time to come to terms with him leaving so I get how awkward it is to try and have a relationship with someone who left your life even if they insist-”

“They left the marriage, but they never left you,” TK finished with a roll of his eyes. He had heard that line a million times over the last sixteen years. “I’ve never had someone who could relate to single parent life.”

“Well, Mami didn’t raise me alone, but I do see what my sisters go through.” Carlos brought the hand trailing up and down his arm to cup the back of his neck. “It isn’t easy, any of it.”

TK hummed and let his eyes close as they were gently twirled up and down and snuggled closer to Carlos’s side. This was so much better than any high school fantasy of coming to a fair with a boyfriend could ever be. Carlos was still in the dark about a lot, but TK felt so much better about telling him now. He understood a lot of his experiences and the ones he didn’t understand he had empathy for. He knew the time to tell him was soon, but right now he just wanted to enjoy the night wrapped up in the arms of a man he was growing to be very fond of. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Corn Silos cause a lot of trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hello everyone!!! The support for this story is incredible and to think I almost never shared this with anyone because I thought the idea was too weird for anyone to like but me.
> 
> The corn silo goes down slightly different and we get to see the dangers of TK's disorder in the job. I'm not going to change everything about the first season, but a few things for sure. Carlos is a sweetheart again and I love him so much. Maybe the boyfriend word comes quickly, but Carlos knows TK needs that kind of stability and reassurance. Yes, much much different than the show in that regard.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING self harm is discussed quite a bit, nothing too graphic but it is mentioned in relation to anxiety and there is a lot of self hatred talk in this so please be careful if any of those are triggers for you. 
> 
> Also, this is not edited great because I just got back from a trip last night and I'm tired as hell today but I still wanted to get a chapter up so please forgive any spelling mistakes this time, please? 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think and I love you all very much!!!! Happy Reading :)

“Okay what’s our situation cap?” Judd spoke the minute they got into the truck. TK was still riding the high of his date and how perfect the night had gone. Carlos had driven him home and they had made out like teenagers for a little while before his dad had pulled into the drive and they had said goodnight before it had gotten too awkward. His dad now knew what guy he was seeing and by the smile TK got he knew his dad approved of his choice. His dad had not once worn that smile when he had been blathering on about Alex for years of his life. Things were going so well and it was nice to not have anxiety attack him for one day. His attachment would never go away, but for the first time TK thought it might be possible to manage. 

“We have a kid stuck in a corn silo,” HIs dad’s voice was bewildered and TK was confused by how corn could be such a problem. 

“That’s worth a call to 911?” TK wondered, exchanging a confused look with Paul who looked equally as lost. 

“You know what a corn silo is, city boy?” Judd asked him and TK could read the concern in his eyes for the people they were called to save. “Those towers are filled with corn and people go in there to get the corn down in a cheap way. It’s as tricky as being caught in quicksand if you get yourself in the middle of one.”

“How long do we have to get him out?” His dad asked before TK could voice that he was still helplessly lost about how this was life threatening. Quick sand wasn’t deadly most of the time as far as he knew. They certainly had never been called to quicksand before anyways. 

“Depends on how deep he is,” Judd replied, rolling his eyes slightly at how clueless his crew was to Texas life 

“Dispatch said the kid was up to his chest when the call came in,” His dad’s voice had lowered as the grave situation set in. 

“Ten minutes max to get him out and we can’t get him out too fast or he’ll split in half,” Judd shook his head and sighed. “We lose a couple of people a year to things like this.”

“But it’s corn,” TK couldn’t help but blurt out even though he knew it was a bad idea. He just couldn’t comprehend a vegetable doing so much damage. Both Judd and his dad gave him a look to cut it out and he shrugged sheepishly.

“When we get there Judd will run point on this call,” His dad ordered before the team lapsed into silence after acknowledging his words. It made TK wary since any time his dad wasn’t in charge he was pushed aside and treated like he couldn’t do his job. He took a deep breath and looked out the window to fight the nerves rising. Judd could do his job well and he wasn’t like the assholes back in New York. He would treat any situation fairly, even if that situation involved something as baffling as a bunch of corn. 

It wasn’t long before he was standing next to his dad on top of a bunch of corn with a terrified kid in the middle of them all. Marjan stood on the other side while Judd was perched on the ladder instructing them on how to help. They felt a brief rush of success when the corn started to drain before the deafening sound of a cord snapping had horror sinking into TK’s heart faster than a sinking stone. Without the cord to balance him his dad quickly stumbled into the corn and within seconds he was up to his waist in the stuff. Despite how much TK had scoffed on the way over here it was evident how dangerous this stuff was now and his dad was in the middle of it. 

“Judd, suggestions here?” His dad asked calmly and it was only because TK had grown up with him that he heard the underlying fear he was trying to hide. 

“Dad!” The cry echoed on the silo walls and everything around him was fading until all he could see was his dad sinking slowly beyond his reach and he was about to lose him forever and then he would be alone in a world that didn’t want him.

“TK, I’m alright son,” His dad was trying to reassure him but couldn’t quite keep his voice completely even. 

“Dad!” The cry was more desperate and Judd was shouting something as he leaned as far as he could to grab his dad’s hand to pull him out but his damn cord was preventing him from wrapping his hand around the one he always trusted to hold his. Without thinking or being able to properly hear whatever the hell Judd was yelling he reached back to unhook his own cord. With his new freedom he easily grabbed his dad’s hand but the pull of the corn was so much stronger than he thought and it was only seconds before his balance was toppled over and he was sliding down into the corn headfirst. 

It was deafening silence for a moment as blackness took over before he was coughing and sprawled on the ground with corn surrounding him. He didn’t waste any time scrambling to his feet and darting to his dad’s side as the older man was still getting his bearings and getting off the ground. He knew that the way he collided with his dad was overdramatic, but he didn’t know any other way to stop the shaking than to cling to his dad as tightly as humanly possible. 

“Dad,” TK choked out as he tried to fight the tears that wanted to fall out of an irrational fear more than anything else. When he was scared he cried, those two were like peanut butter and jelly for him. “Dad I’m sorry I was just scared and you were sinking and I couldn’t help it-”

“It’s okay, I’m okay,” His dad hugged him back while pressing a kiss to the side of his head. “TK, I”m okay.” 

“Oh,” A soft exclamation stole both of their attention and they looked over to see Marjoan with a quiet look of shock on her face, but instead of the hijab they were all used to seeing framing her face long hair was flowing down her back and she looked horrified instead of elated as phones were pulled out and videos taken. His dad was the first to break out of the shock and shouted for them to form a wall and shield the Muslim woman until she could find her hijab and put it back on properly. Judd was glaring at him and TK felt terrible already and knew he had messed up big time. You did not disobey direct orders when someone was assigned to run point. It was the height of disrespect. It wasn’t long until Marjan was ready to get back in the truck and TK put an arm around her in support. The ride back to the station was quiet and TK dreaded what was to come. 

He was the first to hit the showers when they pulled into the station, avoiding both Judd and his father who both looked at him as they jumped down from the truck. This was hardly the biggest screw up he had done in his career as a firefighter and thankfully this time everyone was safe and no harm had come to them or civilians. In New York when he was first starting out he had ruined things much worse than he had today. The team back then quickly learned to let his dad deal with him and left him alone besides that. The old house he had been in had been much younger than the house his dad had built rich with maturity and experience. This was one reason why he had never tried very hard to make friends inside of work before. The 126 was new to him, the way they seemed like a true family. When things went bad in the field he had no idea how to fix it. He didn’t know how to tell Judd that he had been so lost in his head that he hadn’t heard whatever it was he had been yelling. It wasn’t disobeying orders, this was so much worse. He hadn’t been able to even hear the orders period, let alone follow any. He didn’t know why his dad decided to even come up there with them. He had the right to of course, but as captain he normally kept an eye on the bigger picture from the ground and that’s how TK could best do his job. He could never work for another captain, but it was best if they weren’t doing the job side by side. He needed his dad safe so he could perform the stunts he was known for to save lives. 

He turned the water as hot as it would go and tried to breathe. He was terrified what Judd would say now. This changed the game and he knew it. It was one thing for some guy to cling to his dad at a bar or when he was out of town, but Judd took the job more seriously than just about anyone TK had ever met before. He had fucked up yet again, and the worst part was that he wasn’t remotely surprised. He always thought he could handle it. He could handle one part of his job when it came to his dad. He had known that Paul and Mateo were both outside running point on their plan B so his dad hadn’t been in any real danger. There was something about seeing his dad slowly disappearing that triggered him worse than usual. He shouldn’t be in this profession, but then he was so pathetic there was no way he could be away from his dad for a full twenty-four hours at a time again. He should just be committed and drugged up to be out of his dad’s way. His therapist always told him how functional he was because he had a demanding career and appeared to have a healthy relationship. That had all turned out to be nothing more than a farce and if his dad wasn’t his boss he wouldn’t have a career at all more likely than not. 

A sharp sting broke him out of his thoughts and he looked down to see he had started his bad habit of scratching his skin and now it had drawn blood. The mark went from the base of his thumb up to the first knuckle. The skin was an angry red and oozing blood. He didn’t know how long he had been in the shower, but his answer came when a banging came on the outside of his shower door. 

“You’re taking all the hot water man!” Paul’s voice complained from the other side. “I know it doesn’t take that long to wash off some corn.”

“S-sorry!” TK fumbled over the knob for the hot water that had faded to pleasantly warm in the time he had been in there. “Da- Cap bought a great hot water tank so just give it a few and it should be fine.”

“You alright man?” Paul asked, still paused outside his door and TK winced as he dragged the towel he had previously thought had been the softest in the world over his blistered skin. 

“I’m good, sorry,” The compulsive apologizing was here to play, TK thought wryly. He had gotten very good at spotting his behaviours, but not so good at stopping them. “I just got lost in my thoughts.”

“Your dad is pacing his office waiting for you. He sent me in here to make sure you hadn’t drowned or anything.” Paul’s tone was joking, but TK knew the request wasn’t so much of a joke. His dad knew that he had self-destructive tendencies, particularly when his screw up came on the job. He also knew this had to be addressed with both his dad and with Judd at some point before the shift could be over. 

He pulled on the AFD shirt he found in the bottom of his locker and a pair of pants, surprised to see that the shift would be over in a matter of ninety minutes. With any luck he would get by with some kind of lecture and then he could be free to head to Carlos’s house as planned. They had made dinner plans that even as miserable as TK felt he had a feeling the officer would know how to make him feel better. He hissed in pain as his thumb brushed against the strap of his bag. It was no longer bleeding, but still open and raw and he was still surprised how much damage he could cause with nothing more than his own nails. 

He glanced up at the glass office to see his dad was indeed pacing and Judd was sitting in one of the office chairs. They were both up there and waiting for him to have a conversation he really didn’t want to have. However; he was stuck at work for ninety minutes and he was too exhausted to hide by cleaning or exercising. He had Carlos to look forward to and that would get him through this conversation. 

“TK, you alright?” His dad asked instantly as he creaked the door open. Judd’s gaze snapped to him as well, and TK was glad to see the glare had at least faded a little. He slipped inside and gently shut the door behind him. He wasn’t sure where Marjan had gone, but he knew Paul and Mateo were in the showers. He just had to make sure nobody was about to overhear this conversation. 

“I”m fine,” It was a slight exaggeration or maybe a bare minimum of truth. He was not maimed or dying so he was more or less fine. He hid his scratched up thumb inside his fingers and hoped to hide a grimace at the sting of skin on an open wound. “Look I know I messed up today-”

“You disobeyed a direct order from the person running the call!” Judd ranted and the look his father gave told TK they had already had this conversation. “I told y’all on the way there those silos were dangers and you’re damn lucky we could cut a big enough hole in time and that nobody got hurt.”

“Judd,” TK tried to say but it came out quieter than he meant it to meaning that nobody heard him and Judd could continue on his rant. 

“I don’t know if it’s because you’ve always had your daddy as your cap, but you can’t just disregard anyone else who just might know more than you do about something. You might be spoiled being the captain’s son but that damn well doesn’t mean-”

“Alright,” His dad cut in using his captain’s voice and he knew it was probably because he couldn’t hide his face at Judd’s scathing words that the older man probably didn’t fully mean but they cut deep anyways. It was the curse that had followed him at his last house and it was never true. TK didn’t believe he was spoiled at all, and he had really thought Judd had known that by now. “Judd, go take a walk right now. You can finish up talking to TK in a minute. That was uncalled for..”

“Yes Cap,” Judd said instantly and TK glimpsed what he thought might be regret in his eyes before the older man was gone and they were alone. 

“T,” His dad softly to get his attention and TK noticed the blinds were closed and they were fully alone. “TK, you know he’s just angry and he’s mostly angry because he was worried about the both of us. He lost his entire crew not too long ago and no matter how slim the chances, Judd couldn’t bear the thought of losing any of us. It’s doesn’t make what he said true in any way.”

“I didn’t hear him,” TK confessed on a sob as he sank into a chair and curled into himself, not caring about the pain of stretching slightly burned skin. 

“What do you mean?” His dad squatted next to him and took the hand dangling between his legs while TK tucked the injured hand close to himself. 

“When you started going under,’ TK sniffed a few times as the tears fell in waves. “Judd was yelling something, but I wasn’t ignoring him. I was so focused on you and grabbing your hand that I didn’t hear what he said. Even if he had told me a way to save you I blocked him out and I’m sorry I’m a terrible firefighter.”

“No, no, TK you aren’t son,” His dad placed a hand on the back of his neck to squeeze gently as he guided TK’s face to the crook of his neck. “I never should have sent the both of us up there at the same time knowing what might happen. I’m the one who more or less ignored what Judd said about how dangerous it could be and put you and I up there anyways. This is not on you, okay? You can’t help your reactions to this kind of thing.”

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this,” TK sobbed into his dad’s neck, wetting the skin with his tears. “I can’t keep watching you just fall or run or whatever into danger. I also don’t know what the hell else to do because being away from you for more than a few hours is unbearable. What am I going to do if you do die, Dad?”

“We are not discussing this when you are this upset, Ty.” His dad went to rub soothing circles on his back that normally would have felt nice, but after the heat of the shower TK pulled away with a wince. 

“Let me see,” His dad insisted and even if TK tried to shift away in embarrassment and now there was no way his dad could see his wrecked thumb. He had had problems with self harm ever since he had been old enough to know how weird this attachment was that he had. After Lauren left it got worse for a little while before going back to a manageable level. He was open about it with his therapist, and even with his father earlier, but he couldn’t stop compiletely. He had a system his therapist suggested to him that he had to earn his self harm. He did this by doing some really unpleasant task that he didn’t want to do or would take a minimum of fifteen minutes and then if he still felt the urge after that he was allowed to follow through with it. It wasn’t ideal and he knew that, but like his therapist always said if it was what kept him alive then so be it. He had an app on his phone that helped motivate him to stay clean that he would have to reset after today and he had always promised himself to tell someone each and every time he did something as a form of responsibility. 

“I… I was feeling rotten after the call and I turned the water up too hot,” TK confessed quietly as his shirt was gently pulled up and the red skin examined. 

“Let me put some aloe on it,” This had happened enough that his dad knew better than to have some theatrical reaction, but he knew his dad wanted to each and every time. He wanted to protest the use of anything to help him feel better, but he knew his dad felt helpless enough as it was in the face of his demons. He had to admit the gel felt nice against his hot skin as his dad rubbed it in as gently as he could. 

“Nobody is mad,” TK made to protest his dad’s quiet words but he was quickly hushed gently. “Judd was scared more than angry. When you talk to him he will understand. I’m not mad at all for what happened today. I know it could have all gone a lot worse, but it didn’t. Nobody was hurt and everything turned out okay.”

“Are you kidding me?” TK burst out and stood up to pace. “Everyone should be mad. Judd is furious and has a right to be. I ignored his orders and disrespected him out there when I never meant to. I was a danger to my team today so you should be furious with me too. We’re not going to be able to avoid being in danger together with a team this small. Texas has crazy ass caslls and there’s only six of us! We had a team of thirty-five in New York so it was easy for you to stay giving orders while I went out to face the danger. That system isn’t going to work here and we don’t know how to operate without me turning back into a six year old boy crying for his dad! Do you get how much I hate myself for that? How awful I feel when shit like this happens? It’s not the fact that I ignored what Judd had to say to save that boy, it’s worse because I didn’t hear him! I was so wrapped up in my worry about you that I couldn’t hear an order given that possibly could have saved you! If you had suffocated in corn of all things I would have nobody to blame but myself. You’re sitting here making excuses and telling me nobody is mad when you should be furious with me and possibly firing me for not being able to control my emotions long enough to do my goddamn job!”

“Alright, alright, that’s enough,’ His dad stepped in before he could say anything else. He was breathing heavily and he could feel his hands shaking so he quickly clenched them into fists. “TK, if i had something to yell at you about I would do it. I don’t actually play favorites no matter how much people might think otherwise. If Judd had had some kind of PTSD episode I wouldn’t be yelling at him either. You have a mental illness and I’m sorry for not being heartless enough to yell at you for that. Maybe Judd is genuinely angry, but I also know he genuinely cares about you so he will calm down soon enough. You can’t tear yourself up for something you can’t control. Our team isn’t as big as New York but I know it’s three times as strong. We will figure something out, okay? You are a tremendous firefighter and I won’t have you thinking anything else.”

“I need to go,” TK didn’t handle praise well and particularly not right now. “I’m meeting up with Carlos. I will text you when I get there. I can’t talk about today anymore.”

“I love you kid,” TK’s eyes stung with the quiet words and he didn’t fight the arms that gently came around him to hug him. “More than anything in this world.”

“I love you, Daddy,” TK said quietly in return as he inhaled the scent of his dad and let it calm him some. 

“Tell Carlos I say hello and that he needs to come by for breakfast again sometime.” His dad patted him on the shoulder before letting him go and following him to the door of his office. After their night at the fair they had fallen asleep together watching a movie in his bed and Carlos had ended up staying for breakfast the next morning. TK had originally wanted to keep his father and Carlos separate, but actually having the two of them together made him feel safer than he had in years. They had gotten along frighteningly well, but at least now his dad knew about the guy he was quickly falling for the more time he spent with the Austin officer. 

“Bye Dad, see you in a few hours,” TK promised with a small smile as he headed downstairs to grab his bag so he could meet Carlos out front. He had just closed his locker when luck ran out and Judd also came into the locker room to finish up before heading home. 

“See you tomorrow, pretty boy,” Judd said and it was the coldest tone he had ever used with him since they had started becoming closer. TK wanted to ignore him and just run into Carlos’s arms, but something in him wouldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let Judd just sit and think he ignored him on purpose. 

“I didn’t fucking hear you,” TK set his bag down on the end of the bench and folded his arms. “I’m not saying I would have listened if I had heard you, but the reality is that I didn’t hear a damn word you said in that silo when my dad started to disappear under that corn. I listened to your lecture in the truck about how dangerous those things were and then when my dad was disappearing into that corn I stopped being able to hear anything at all besides my own pathetic voice crying out for my dad. I’ve been trying to tell you this separation anxiety shit isn’t cute in any way and you didn’t listen. It’s a disorder and it’s a problem.” He was shaking all over again and he hated that he was desperate for Judd Ryder’s forgiveness and understanding. 

“You didn’t hear me?” Judd repeated with his locker door open. TK sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair.

“I really didn’t Judd. I don’t know if I would have been able to stop and listen either way, but I didn’t hear whatever it was you were shouting at me in there. My dad doesn’t play favorites, and I know that’s hard to believe. He knows how bad this is, that’s all. Judd, please, I can’t have you hating my guts.”

“Woah, woah, who the hell said I hated you?” Judd stopped in his tracks and their eyes met with a lump painfully forming in TK’s throat. Judd had already become someone he couldn’t imagine his life without. “Kiddo, hey, stop scratching like that. I couldn’t hate you. I was pissed before, but I would have been completely over it by tomorrow after Grace more than likely would have set me straight.”

TK had shut his eyes despite the sting of pain he faintly felt coming from his hand, but it was better than the pain and humiliation his thoughts wanted to put him through. He felt gentle, larger hands on his and snapped his eyes open to see Judd directly in front of him and holding his hands. “Judd, I’m sorry.” 

“Stop kid, I know that,” Judd sighed quietly before pressing a kiss to his forehead affectionately and squeezing his uninjured hand. “You should get a bandaid for that scratch. You did that to yourself?”

“I scratch when I’m anxious,” TK shrugged and tried to muster up a small smile. “Carlos will have one at his place. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Take care of yourself TK,” Judd told him before ruffling his hair causing TK to scowl and pull away. He picked up his bag and headed outside to the blue Carmaro that was now regularly a sight outside the station waiting for him. Carlos was leaning on the trunk of the car on the phone, a smile on his face and speaking quickly in Spanish. It was probably one of his sisters calling and TK realized with all the drama Carlos had likely been waiting for quite some time. His anxiety wasted no time hiking back up again and he wished it would just take a vacation once in a while. Carlos had proved countless times that he wasn’t Alex and that he never would be. He wished he could be sure nothing would change Carlos’s calm and sweet demeanour, but he also knew he was a lot to handle and that he would be lucky for anyone to give him the time of day. 

“Hey Ty,” Carlos greeted him quietly even though he was still on the phone. His name had been revealed over the last few weeks. It seemed that there was nothing Carlos asked for that TK wouldn’t give him. He had always hated Alex using his name, possibly because it was mostly only used when his ex had been angry, but with Carlos it only made warm shivers run through him. His name had never sounded so good on someone else’s lips before. 

TK didn’t bother to verbally return the greeting, but he did wrap his arms around Carlos’s waist and bury his nose in his maybe boyfriend’s neck. He should probably ask Carlos if they were a couple, but he was scared of the answer. He couldn’t get Alex to label them for nearly nine months and the more he asked the more angry Alex became over it. He knew labels didn’t matter that much, but it made his anxiety calmer to have labels on things. 

“Sofia, I gotta run kiddo, my boyfriend just finished his shift and is likely starving by now since he never eats enough on shift.” Carlos said into the phone to who TK knew was his youngest sister and TK hugged him tighter as a bit of shock went through him having his unspoken question answered so easily. Did he say something out loud on accident? 

“Boyfriend?” TK had to repeat in awe as Carlos tucked his phone back into his pocket. Carlos looked at him for a long moment before cupping the side of his face gently. 

“I would like to call you my boyfriend, if that’s okay with you. It’s shorter than ‘the amazing firefighter I can’t stop thinking about and I’m quickly falling for’, wouldn’t you say?” Carlos moved his thumb gently over TK’s cheekbone affectionately 

“You want to define this? Define us?” TK could hardly believe he didn’t have to beg for a place in Carlos’s life and instead had one carved out for him already. They were growing close, he knew, but this was a label to one of the most wonderful things that had happened to him in his life. 

“I want you to know that I want you in my life, that you belong in it. Plus, I do happen to suspect that your anxiety is much happier with a label to settle into.”

“You’re not wrong,” TK blushed lightly and again was grateful Carlos either already knew about anxiety, or had been so willing to learn he had read enough to infer certain situations as anxiety inducing. “Let’s go to your place for a while, yeah?”

“I already have dinner in the oven staying warm for us.” Carlos took his bag from him but TK stopped him with a hand on his wrist. 

“I’m actually not hungry,’ TK said. “But I am hungry for you.” He nipped at Carlos’s neck before pulling back only to have his lips firmly captured in a kiss by the latino officer. 

“Is that so?” Carlos murmured against his mouth. “I guess I might be able to fill that kind of appetite first.”

TK grinned and felt a rush go through him. They hadn’t gone beyond blowjobs and handjobs yet, but if those were any indication of what was to come TK knew he would enjoy more when they were ready. Carlos had made sure he stayed present during their bedroom activities ever since their disastrous first try. Today, especially today, TK really needed to slip down into subspace to get a hold on these emotions from how his shift ended. He needed a break from feeling so much for just a little while. He knows why Carlos hadn’t let him go there again since they hadn’t talked about safewords or how it would all work. He hadn’t wanted TK to feel disoriented and distressed again while they were intimate. Carlos had been great at making him feel safe and secure every single time they were together. 

“Ever had a blowjob in a car?” TK wondered out loud as they drove. He had a one track mind, so be it.

“Not while I was operating it, and don’t get ideas,” Carlos smirked at him. “I am an officer of the law after all. How would I be able to pull over teenagers if I was caught doing the same thing?”

“Wait, you’ve caught people giving head while someone was driving the car? Seriously? I thought that was a thing for songs and movies that sounded hot, but nobody would be dumb enough to try it in real life.” TK was perplexed over how stupid people could be sometimes.

“Cars don’t only swerve because people are drunk, unfortunately,” Carlos rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly. “I’m glad to hear you were not one of the teens who ever tried that.”

“I’ll try a lot, but I didn’t want to die back then.” TK let the deprecating, dark joke slip out without thinking and of course any meaning of it didn’t slip past his observant boyfriend. He was expecting a sharp look telling him that that wasn’t funny, or worse an exasperated look that said Carlos was so tired of his stupid depressive jokes, but instead he got a look full of care and sadness. 

“I hope we might get you back to that place,” Carlos said simply as he linked their hands together. TK’s heart melted a little and relaxed into the hold until Carlos’s thumb brushed high enough to hit the scratch on his thumb that was still open and sore. TK flinched away and couldn’t stop a quiet hiss at the sting of skin touching his raw wound. 

“What happened?” Carlos’s concern transferred from his mental state to his thumb in an instant and TK wished he didn’t have to confess they were interlinked.

“I scratched it,” TK said quietly, shrinking his body a little against the door and hoping once again Carlos’s good reactions weren’t about to run out. 

“On what, baby?” Carlos glanced down to see the inch long scratch that had only barely stopped bleeding. TK wanted to lie, oh how desperately he wanted to lie and say he scratched it on a call. His father might not have won father of the year award every year in a row, but he did raise him to be honest. Plus, he knew lies had only let him end up with an addiction and losing control of his life completely. 

“When I’m anxious about things I scratch myself,” TK pulled his hand away and shrank against the car door worse than before. When you admit to self harm normally you got either looks of pity or people who simply couldn’t understand why and immediately tried to get a promise to stop. They might report you to the hospital, or worse the police. They lock you up for days and it did help for a bit, but then the urge came back and maybe self harming was better than drugs? “We… We had a bad call today and I screwed up pretty royally. The only reason I’m not suspended right now is because my dad is my captain and knows I’m fucked in the head.”

“TK, hey now, none of that, “ Carlos hadn’t quite adopted his dominant tone, but it was a close thing. TK knew he would be powerless in the face of that voice and he knew it was quickly becoming time for Carlos to know the full truth about him. He wasn’t sure if he could be up to that conversation tonight after all that had happened on their last call. 

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” TK brought his knees up to his chest to hug them as he felt the car stop far too soon for them to be at Carlos’s house already. He wasn’t sure what part of the conversation had pissed Carlos off enough to stop the car, but he wished he could just act normal for five minutes in a relationship. He had only barely gotten the boyfriend label he had been craving and now he had to go and ruin it. 

Carlos opened his car door silently and got out and TK couldn’t help the flinch when the door closed even if it couldn’t be classified as slamming it. He hugged his knees closer to himself and really didn’t want to have to walk home from here. He didn’t want to call his dad right now either after the way their shift ended. He just wanted some safe space to curl up in after a hard day. 

“Tyler,” Carlos’s voice was softer than he expected as his boyfriend opened his door. “Ty, look at me baby.” TK took a steadying breath before looking into eyes that always seemed to see more than he wanted to let them. “There is a lot I don’t know, but there are some things I do. I know you are a selfless man who has not been treated well in the past. I know you’re hilarious and sarcastic most of the time. I know I’m falling for you faster and faster each and every time I look into your gorgeous green eyes. I know you spiral into your thoughts and I can’t have you sit here for one more minute thinking awful things about yourself.”

“Carlos, you can’t be real,” TK sobbed a bit in disbelief that someone could be so endlessly kind and understanding even in the face of very scary and messed up issues. 

“Take my hand, sweetheart,” Carlos held out a hand in front of him. TK looked at it for a long moment before he let go of his leg with one hand to clasp soft caramel skin in his hand. Carlos’s hands were slightly bigger than his own and they made him feel safe and secure instead of the way Alex’s grip always felt controlling which had made him feel safe in a way that wasn’t healthy. “I’m not blind and I know a lot of what you don’t say. I know you struggle with anxiety more than a lot of people. I didn’t know you hurt yourself when it gets to be too much, but I’m also not all that surprised. You feel things intensely and there isn’t a thing wrong with that. You don’t have to be afraid to tell me how you feel. I’m not going to yell at you for feeling, okay? I know it’s going to take time, but I’m going to make you see I’m not Alex. I’m not going to treat you that way, ever.”

TK launched himself into Carlos’s arms and they went tumbling back onto some random person’s tree lawn as the car idled next to them. He nuzzled Carlos’s neck happily and had no idea how he got this lucky. How he could find such a true man that seemed to really see him in a way so few people did. When his dad had suggested to move to Texas after his overdose and losing Alex TK had thought it wouldn’t be an awful idea, but he never imagined finding people like Carlos or Judd. 

“Take me home,” TK told Carlos softly as he kissed the shell of his ear. 

“Nothing I want more,” Carlos answered with a kiss to his cheek, but patiently waited until TK was ready to let go before helping him back into the car.

It was a couple hours later after they were fed with Carlos’s delicious cooking that TK tried to gear himself to have the hard conversation he needed to have. Carlos deserved to know what he was getting into. 

“I need to tell you the things you don’t know,” TK said in a moment of muted commercials. He pulled out of the cozy embrace of Carlos’s arms, his stomach in knots and his heartrate picking up at the thought. He had never really sat down to tell Alex about this, but that had turned out disastrous and TK couldn’t let this wonderful thing between himself and the beautiful cop turn into anything negative. “I need to tlel you before this goes any further. I already don’t know what I would do if you left and the longer it goes the more it would destroy me.”

“I don’t plan on leaving,” Carlos’s voice was even and endlessly patient even though he must have already said that a dozen times since they had started this thing between them. “Ty, it’s going to be okay whatever it is. Don’t scratch like that, please.”

“I didn’t realize,” TK flushed and tucked his hands under his thighs. “I’m sorry. I don’t do it on purpose.”

“I just don’t want you to be in pain if I can help it,” Carlos looked like TK’s anxiety was paining him just as much. “Can I do anything to make this easier for you? I don’t know what has you so worked up, but I promise we can work through it.”

“I wish that was true,” TK could have cringed at the well meaning words. Most things you could work through and get past, but his anxiety disorder wasn’t one of those things. Perhaps TK would find a doctor to not give up on him and give him the right kind of medication to make it a little more manageable than a complete breakdown anytime his dad was in danger. “Carlos, my dad worked during 9/11, I told you that, right?”

“Yeah, you said he lost his entire crew that day,” Carlos said solemnly, body language turned toward him and open. “You said he had a rough time with it.”

“He wasn’t the only one who went through a trauma that day,” TK echoed his therapist and hoped the words didn’t sound crazy when he said them. “I watched the first plane crash into the south tower that day from the window in my classroom. I knew my mom worked in one of those towers a couple days a week with clients and that my dad would be heading right to the danger everyone else was running away from. My grandma picked me up from school and all I could do was sit in front of the TV playing CNN all day long. All I could do was stare at the door and wonder if either of my parents were coming home and I was only seven years old.”

“You could definitely call that trauma,” Carlos agreed softly, laying an arm across the back of the couch and TK wanted nothing more than to cuddle into Carlos’s side, but he had to get Carlos to understand before he let himself have comfort.

“The trauma made me develop severe separation anxiety disorder,” TK rattled off like he had to so many people by now, but nobody had been as important as Carlos. 

“Is it just for your dad?” Carlos didn’t bat an eye and TK hoped it simply didn’t matter to the other man.

“It kind of extends to anyone I care about after some time,” TK sighed and hoped he wouldn’t send Carlos running for the hills. “When I got together with Alex I thought it was just my dad. I can’t be away from him easily and Alex got really annoyed when I wouldn’t stay over after months of us being together. I would always go home to my dad at the end of our date nights and it drove him crazy. He started to give my oxy to calm me down and make me stay with him.” TK looked at his fingers and twisted them anxiously. He wasn’t proud of what he had let Alex do to him. “I never knew they were narcotics. He had a friend that cut him a deal on them so he got them relatively cheap. He told me they were just pills for anxiety and I believed him since they calmed me down so much and helped me sleep away from my dad, letting both of us have normal relationships for a while.”

“I hated Alex before, but now I think he might be one of the worst people on Earth and that’s saying something since I deal with a lot of shit people day to day,” Carlos looked so much more upset by the drugging than by the fact that someone he was quickly falling for admitted to not being able to have a normal relationship unless he was drugged. 

“My dad has him on a hit list,” TK muttered and Carlos laughed a little but nodded in agreement. “I can’t blame him though. He just wanted a boyfriend that could sleep over without leaving in the middle to sleep with his dad.”

“You sleep with him?” Carlos didn’t sound disgusted somehow even though TK was about twenty years too old to even think about sleeping in his dad’s bed. 

“I have since I was seven mostly,” TK bit his lip and shoved his hands under his thighs again so he wouldn’t start to scratch or so Carlos wouldn’t see them shaking. “I have nightmares almost daily about losing him in some way or form and I always wake up upset. He’s been my entire world since my mom walked out. I could never sleep as a kid until he came home and he was so tired after a shift we used to fall asleep in this big recliner together after he told me about some calls he went on that day. He always told me the stories with happy endings. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized just how much danger he was in every single day, not just when the towers fell. I used to research firefighter deaths before I was even a teenager because I was obsessed with the subject. I feed my anxiety without strictly meaning to. I worry about him constantly and I can never turn it off.”

“What helps you calm down from a nightmare?” Carlos still seemed unfazed and seemed to only be focused on what he could do to help. 

“A lot of embarrassing things, but mostly just being held and hearing my dad’s voice. I never dreamed when I took oxy.” TK took another deep breath. “I’m a drug addict Carlos. I never stopped after I realized what was happening. I knew what they were and I have done too many things for Alex that I’m not proud of to get more and more. I liked the way I could finally not worry. I o-overdosed when Alex left me. I just wanted to stop worrying and stop feeling so damn desperate for him to come back. I’m a fucked up mess.” TK couldn’t help starting to cry after laying his flaws out at Carlos’s feet and hoping for his acceptance even though he didn’t believe he deserved anything of the sort. 

“Hey, hey, look at me tiger,” Carlos was kneeling in front of him on the floor and TK hadn’t realized how attached he had grown to Carlos until he was faced with the very real possibility of him leaving. He would do anything to make Carlos stay with him. He was the best guy TK had met in so long and he could see a real future between them. A future his dad could finally be proud of. A future full of love and laughter instead of lies and manipulation. “TK, I’m not leaving you baby, I promise you that. Nothing you told me makes me want to leave. I just want to help you and I have your back. The addiction isn’t any more your fault than the mental disorder. They are both diseases that you need help to manage, and that’s okay. I’m going to be here to help you manage them and do whatever I can to make you feel better. Alex lied to you and manipulated you to make you into the person he wanted. You’re already that person for me Ty, okay? Shh, I’m not leaving you.”

TK cried helplessly, overwhelmed by his day and at the kindness of the man next to him. He had meant what he said outside the car. He felt as though Carlos was a dream he had made up to replace all the years of relationship disasters he had had. Nobody could be this perfect and be real. He let Carlos hold him in his lap and slowly realized Carlos was rocking him gently so he could calm down on his own instead of telling him to get a grip or that he was too old to be crying like this. 

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Carlos asked him after the sobs stopped and all TK could do was sniffle weakly since he was absolutely exhausted. 

“I’m okay. Thank you for listening and understanding.” TK laid his head on Carlos’s shoulder unwilling to move just yet from his snug position in the other man’s arms. 

“I can’t say I fully understand yet, but I promise you I will research as much as I can.” Carlos pressed a kiss to his head as he continued to run TK’s back in a slow up and down motion that lulled TK’s eyes to close. “Do you want a movie, or do you want me to take you to your dad? What do you need?”

“Movie, please,” TK said around a yawn and simply snuggled closer. He would move to the couch next to Carlos if asked, but right now he wanted to feel close to his boyfriend. His demons were on display and so far Carlos hadn’t run. He was here asking how to help and how to make him feel better. He was trying to be informed instead of pushing down or pushing away anything he found inconvenient. 

TK couldn’t ask for anything more.


End file.
